Thursday, August 14, 2008

What You Need If...

I started writing for this site called and they posted my first article titled "You Might Be A New York City Hipster". They have a lot of great articles so check them out and be satisfied. (Note: The site has since been taken down, but below is the article as it was on the site.)

Signs you might be a New York City hipster

You know when you buy a new pair of shoes, it's really uncomfortable for a while and you might even get blisters, but you know it's all worth it because it will eventually become tolerable to wear. NYC hipsters are kind of the same way except for the becoming tolerable part. Knowing whether you are a hipster is hard to find out. It's like wondering if you're attractive or not. Other people have to tell you if you are or you aren't. If you exhibit 1 out of the 5 below, you're probably a NYC hipster scum-bag.

You Drink Iced Coffee

Iced coffee was created to supplement the hipsters desire to drink boiling hot coffee. The problem with that was that during the summer time, when NYC hipsters needed a cup of joe to start their day eating humus that they bought from the Union Square market and being dead on the inside, they would order hot coffee and their faces would melt when they began drinking it. The coffee places were losing lawsuits to these hipsters and tried brainstorming ideas to keep hipsters drinking their coffee, but not hemorrhaging money. Then one day, on bring your daughter to work day, one of the executives daughters suggested they put ice in the coffee if it was to hot. The other executives laughed and laughed. One of the executives asked the little girl "How old are you? Eight." and the girl replied "No. I'm nine."

And thus iced coffee was created to give diabetes to hipsters.

You wear stretchy spandex pants (exclusive to women and some men)

If the thought of looking like you exercise, but not actually exercising intrigues you, you probably own stretchy spandex pants. Stretchy spandex pants (or D.O.U.C.H.E. for short) were God's way of saying, "And thou shall look like thee has cometh from a Pat Benetar music video audition" or in so many words, "Ridiculous". Plus you might argue, who doesn't like looking at camel toes on their way donate blood? I dare you to walk through Washington Square Park and leave with your lunch still in your stomach.

I have to admit that hipsters accomplished something I didn't think they could do. They took something as regrettable as the 80's and made it even more regrettable to have ever had lived through or seen "21 Jump Street".

You wear sunglasses because it matches what you're wearing and not to protect your eyes

This one is admittedly harder for me to justify, but I feel correct in my assessment. Here's why: If you are wearing sunglasses indoors and you're not doing sketch for "Candid Camera" you're probably trying to look cool and not protect your eyes. Also if you spend more than four dollars on protective eye wear, you probably have no soul. (To make sure, pour holy water anywhere near your unclean body and chant Ava Maria.)


Of course many people are indifferent to any number of things, but what makes a NYC hipster a hipster is total indifference to all things around them. If you think buying a t-shirt that has the phrase "I'm hot" under a picture of the Earth, makes total sense, then your indifference will ruin the planet. If you think money comes from trust-funds and are used to buy new designer blah blahs, then your indifference will probably marry for your money and then leave you with your money, not because your an interesting person to be around, but because you are a vessel for the undead.

You think you're going to make a difference.

Through Hegel's completion of history, all of life's events, good or bad, lead to a great unity. Through that logic the importance of people, as a whole, with mankind's triumphs and tribulations lead to an eventual serenity. Most people don't think about it, because you can't live your day calculating how you're changing the world while trying to care for a family. But if you consciously think about your actions the way a crazy man hastily pulls out his penis in the subway, then your hipster syndrome has reached the apex point.

Thinking your amazing and saying that you are, are two different animals. If you talk about how you're saving the environment by riding your vintage bicycle that you paid the better part of a few week's allowance (generally ranges from $200 to obscene) instead of taking a cab, you probably are in bed with the rest of NYC hipsters. I'm not saying riding your bike is bad, but I could care less about something you care even less about. Try being normal and keep those things to yourself. The difference between confident, secure people and NYC hipsters is that one is real while the other plays a cartoon character that has been replicated through scarves and the misconception of the word "cool".

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