Sincerely, Not Surprised (TFR Article)

To The Academy,

The very fact that I am writing to you forgoes the fact that I don’t believe in you. By putting the delusional perception that you exist within an objective, artistic world aside, I want to talk to you about, well, you. I was not surprised by your nominations this year. Deep down in the crevasses of your psyche, I’m sure that you hoped to shake-up the business a little with a few glaring omissions and well, who cares about them anyways, right?

This, I’m only assuming, is how you went about your nominations:

Academy Member 1: “I’ve been seeing a lot of ads for ________ lately.”

Academy Member 2: “I know. It’s been making a lot of money, too.”

Academy Member 1: “Yeah. We don’t want to have any trouble with the industry by not forgetting to nominate ________.”

Academy Member 2: (Rubbing his beard) “Well let’s call ________ and see what he thinks.”

Academy Member 3: (On the phone) “I just got done having lunch with the producer of _______ and he thinks a nomination will do even more to bolster box office numbers.”

Academy Member 1: “Well I guess we can’t escape it now. Let’s give _______ a best picture nomination.”

(10 minutes later)

Academy Member 2: “Well that’s all the nominations.”

Academy Member 1: “Are we forgetting something?”

Academy Member 2: “If we did, it must not have been a very memorable film.”

Academy Member 1: “It’s a good thing we got ________ a nomination this year. Last year his film ________ was such a piece of shit.”

Academy Member 2: “That was his film? How did I miss that?”

Academy Member 1: “It was released earlier in the year.”

Academy Member 2: “That makes sense. I don’t really watch films before November. I mean, do you know how many films come out in a year?”

Academy Member 1: “A lot, I know. I’m just glad they release all the good ones near the time when we have to vote, so it makes it easier to do our jobs.”

Academy Member 2: “Yeah, you can knock out a few nominees in an afternoon.”

Academy Member 1: “So do you want to go get a bite to eat?”

Academy Member 2: “Sorry, I can’t. I got to meet _______ over at ________ so he can give me a lot of money for his nomination.”

Academy Member 1: “Good luck with that.”

Now I’m sure I’m not doing justice to the Academy by playing out this scene. Clearly, not all of the Academy Members are this nice and sincere.

What boggles my mind about your organization is this idea that you exist independent of the industry, picking films that truly represent our time and advancements in the art of film. But you know, and I know, that that is a load of bull. Slumdog Millionaire nominated for best picture? What are you, the Hollywood Foreign Press?

I’m a filmmaker for the people and I’m not in it for the awards or for the money. Down the line, if I ever were to make a film that garners the attention of the Academy for Best Direction or Best Picture, I would stop making films. Because that kind of praise isn’t worth sacrificing your artistic soul.

For me, to list a number of films and artists that you forgot to include in your nominations seems arbitrary because I don’t need a list of films to show proof of my convictions. To be honest, I haven’t seen any of the films that have been nominated, because, frankly, modern cinema is dead.

Sincerely,

Don’t Care About the Oscars