Del Close Marathon 12: Day 1

Ever since the last Del Close Marathon, my friends and I looked forward to the next DCM. Whether it was recalling the chant from NY Mets Monoscene Spectacular "9/11 Never Again" or just how amazing The Straight Men were, it gave us a chance to remember that great weekend.

Once again DCM came around for its 12th year. Sitting in line two hours before the first show began, it was hard to believe we were mere hours away from the best improv weekend of the year.

DCM Line ~2:30.

Riley wanted to plan where we were going to sit as soon as we got in, so he drew a blueprint to visualize the theater.

Riley in planning mode.

After waiting a few hours we were let in.

The first show was the press conference. Ian Roberts, Matt Walsh and Matt Besser came out to kick off the marathon and were almost immediately interrupted by a vuvuzela.

Besser demonstrates proper air-vuvuzela technique.

They called out for the culprits to show themselves.

Neil Casey laughs at Ian's threats.

After the big announcement of the second UCB Theater in NYC being opened in the new year, they they introduced the first team: Two Man Movie.

NOTE: Because I was shooting on film, I had to slow my shutter speed to take pictures during shows. Many of the pictures turned out blurry, but the ones that I will put up are fairly acceptable and don't look like a still from a Greengrass film. Not important for you to know, but I just wanted to preface. (If you are interested in seeing pictures that I didn't put up, blurry or not, email me.)

The first block of shows until the first theater cleaning were the best of the best. Highlights included:

Bassprov with (a very welcome) guest Jon Lutz: Learned that autism isn't real and that Sarah Palin probably doesn't have great tits.

Revolver: "I have to piss...blood!"

Last Day of School: Jim Woods. Nuff said.

Mother aka The Jon Daly Show

Audience after Mother.

I left the theater right after Mother to get back in line for the shows after the theater cleaning. Doug Benson's podcast, Doug Loves Movies, was the first show.

Doug looks at some "Dougouts" for name tags.

Shitty Jobs was the next show. It was, in my opinion the best example of UCB training. Game, heightening, strong characters and impeccable timing made this just a funny, funny show. Couldn't imagine what their sets are like with their full cast...

Dominic learns that Yu-Gi-Oh has no rules. Charlie smiles cause he wants to be a judge.

Following Shitty Jobs is The Mervin Douglas Show.

Horatio interviewing Gethard.

Skipping to the Christian Lighthouse Players the audience gets to see Seth Morris (arguably tying Charlie Sanders for the "Performer of the Marathon" award). I can't stop saying "Skateboard juice" and calling cool things "Half-pipe".

Philip (Eugene Cordero) prays for a good scene.

Christian Lighthouse Players is the same premise every year, but Owen Burke as the drunk father in the audience totally breathed new life into the show.

Following his gay-ish pastor in CLP, Seth Morris is the star of the next show as his immediately beloved character, Bob Ducca. Listening to Ducca on the radio is amazing. Seeing it in person is life changing. Morris knows this character and no matter what was thrown at him, he could somehow relate it back to his progress of building back his self-esteem/self-confidence.

Bob Ducca looks for love.

Bob Ducca's patented, perpetual sad face look.

Seth performed improv as Ducca with some audience members. It was uncomfortable for everyone, but Bob Ducca.

Then came the show everyone (especially me) had been waiting for, Wicked Fuckin' Queeyah. It wasn't in the marathon last year, which gave it a sort of cult status based almost completely on sheer hype. In short: It blew minds.

Purnell introduces the only show worthy of an introduction. (Except for maybe DAR SILICON. More on that later.)

Then magic happened. This was the best show of the weekend if only for the simple act of Kevin Hines grabbing Will Hines' face and throwing him to the ground. Needless to say, people smiled. Not because of hate for Will Hines, but just the awesome madness that this show was bringing.

Don't have sex with Derek Jeter. He has HIV. Seriously.

After the spitting, tossing and consuming of beer on stage, the next group couldn't have been more of a juxtaposition. Mrs. Darcy would have been appalled at what was on stage just minutes before.

Proper English ladies doing scenes based on the suggestion: Cocksucker. Only at DCM.

Next up some Chicago boys that go by the name Old Prospectors' Make 'Em Up Jamboree.

Just imagine momma.

By this time it was 3AM and it was time to see some naked bodies. Enter Baby Time with Winnie.

Babies.

Seth Morris in a cock sock, Gil with a full load in his diaper, Mike Still with a dangling bollock, Gabrus' as a tan baby, Neil Casey as a bearded baby, Jon Daly with a baby doll hanging out of his pj's and Anthony as a Jamaican nanny. Simply put: Just delightfully weird.

The last show I stayed for was The Improv Show with Jay Leno.

Diston channels his inner black Leno.

By this time I was beat and went home for some of that precious sleep.

The first day I saw a lot of great improv and premise shows. Plenty of not so great ones too, but no cares about those.

First Day Awards

Best Improv Show: Shitty Jobs

Best Premise Show: Wicked Fuckin' Queeyah

Best Seth Morris Show: Christian Lighthouse Players

Best Quote: (Said to my roommate as he was outside) Will Hines from across the street: "Hey guys! Improv! We're doing it!"

Best Use of the Stage: Doug Benson trying to walk on the walls like in Inception.

Sorely Missed: Jason Mantzoukas & Billy Merrit

Adult Swim 2-14-07

People in Profile #2

Adult Swim 2-13-07

Building Art #3

Advertising in Black and White #1

Adult Swim 2-12-07

Adult Swim 2-9-07

The Boondock's Final Season

The final season of one of my favorite shows, The Boondocks, premiered on Sunday. And they ain't holding back:

Here's the trailer for the final season.

Watch it before you get kicked in yo chest!

Skate Photo: Some Skater #2 (TLR)

12th and A Skate Park, NYC - Heelflip

Adult Swim 2-8-07

Skate Photo: Rudy #4 (TLR)

Tompkins Square Park, NYC - Frontside Boardslide

Skate Photo: Rudy #3 (TLR)

Tompkins Square Park, NYC - Backside Krooked Grind

Doodle #1

Under Construction #2 (TLR)

Skate Photo: Resting #1 (TLR)

Tompkins Square Park, NYC

Skate Photo: Some Skater #1 (TLR)

Tompkins Square Park, NYC - Kickflip

Skate Photo: Rudy #2 (TLR)

Tompkins Square Park, NYC - Kickflip over trash can

Skate Photo: Rudy #1 (TLR)

My wonderful and gracious teacher James Felder let me borrow his Rolleiflex 3.5 Twin Lens Reflex camera. So to kick it off here is a picture of my friend Rudy from when we went skating.

Tompkins Square Park, NYC - Kickflip over trash can

Adult Swim 2-7-07

Open Letter: Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Disclaimer: I met this man who asked me to post this on my site. His views are his alone and don't represent this site or me. If it wasn't for some surprisingly compromising footage of myself inside the Department of Industrial Relations building, I wouldn't have even posted this, but you just can't say no physical evidence.

Dear Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger,

My name is Jim “The Gum” Lazlo and I am an amateur adult film star. I am writing to show support in your statewide budget cuts. Unlike the professional adult film industry, the amateur film business is booming. Mainly because of its ability in keeping low overhead while producing a product that is just as good as the professionals.

I, like many in my business, have a day job as a government employee. With the overtime restrictions, layoffs and reductions that were put in place I am now able to focus on what I like to do best. For example, because of restricted overtime hours last year I was able to achieve nominal success from a video I did called “Gum in Your Hair”. That’s something that I could have only achieved because of your keen insight to not raise taxes to pay off the California budget deficit. In short I am proof that the budget cuts were a success.

Now because of the additional time I am forced to take off from my job, I do have more time to go to supermarkets, golf courses and cigar shops to sell my videos. And because it is a cash to hand business, the money we make is straight profit, much like how many officials in your party wish the economic structure to be. I don’t have any employees that I have to pay or an Internet presence (which I frankly don’t trust economically). I also think that having an Internet presence cheapens the connection that I make with the people who buy my videos.

Like you must feel, I am a bit of a pariah to the big adult film industry. They see me doing quick and often artistic videos in a way that they could wish to only do. I do straight to VHS videos that I duplicate at a local video store, but I am also able to transfer the VHS to DVD (for a nominal fee, of course). I have complete artistic control and if I do say so myself, a pretty decent dong. There’s no gray area, just pure business and hard sex. This to me is what I imagine a free market society to be.

While new technology, like 3-D and interactive programs, in the adult film industry fascinates me, I don’t think anything can replace a big dong penetrating a woman at speeds that rival high streaming digital cable. And because of my pay lowering, I don’t feel the pinch with my RCA camcorder and extendable boom mic. I am able to keep making sex videos like I have since high school.

That’s why I support your choice to go back to basics and really allow people to make something of themselves. All I want to do is have sex with women with loose vaginas and blown out assholes and because of your economic budget cuts, I am able to do that. I hope more people in the amateur adult film industry recognize what you are doing by getting the word out and I will continue (just like I say in “Don’t Gum Just Yet”) to “spread it like peanut butter”.

Sincerely,

Jim “The Gum” Lazlo.

LOST Season 6 countdown: Mere Hours Away!!

S05E16 - "The Incident: Part 1"

S05E16 - "The Incident: Part 2"

Season 5 Final Image

The World Didn't End

I’m thinking. Am I alive? How could that be? There’s a pressure on my chest. I open my eyes to find a naked woman lying on top of me. I wriggle my way out from under her only to find three other women in my bed. I admit, the salesman was right when he said my king sized bed could hold up to four people, although I still couldn’t explain why that made me want the bed.
This shouldn’t be happening. I should be dead. We should all be dead. All the news reports said the asteroid would hit Earth and obliterate the human race almost instantaneously. How am I still alive?

I slide out of bed, being careful not to wake any of the women, who are all surprisingly way to attractive. I guess a catastrophe really does make a bald man sexy. I made my way to the living room where the pile of sweaty clothes pile up in front of my apparently smashed in television. I pick up a shirt from a chair and follow the trail into the kitchen where I pull my pants from the fridge.

After dressing, I walk out of my place, fearing some kind of half apocalyptic feud state and half zombie country, but I found neither. Sure the streets were deserted, but that’s partly because of previous construction on the street.

I made my way to the café down the street, where I usually pick up my breakfast. I realized this was out of habit, since there’s no way it should have been open. And yet when I arrived I found the door open and the place in disarray. I see Mindy walk out from behind the kitchen, like I’ve seen her do many times, except this time she looked different. She looked happy. No, almost overjoyed. Which is not only a rare occasion; it’s a first. Maybe something did strike the earth and she stayed around the café out of fear going outside. Then it hit’s me. Radiating pain from my groin area, that I haven’t felt since I first discovered masturbation.

Mindy quickly came to my aid, comforting me and kissing me as I crumbled to the floor. I asked for some ice and she rushed to get it for me. Why was Mindy like this? Then it hit me like the second wave of penis hurt. We slept together. This realization actually made the pain feel worse. I don’t remember coming to the café last night. Admittedly it was probably the last place I would go, considering the circumstances of world events and the fact that the last time I came here they gave me a stale bagel. Why would I sleep with Mindy? She’s always curt and never smiled at me, which I know isn’t an indicator of a woman’s desire to sleep with you, but it’s a pretty good start.

Mindy came rushing back with a pack of ice and smiling like she stopped the asteroid with her bare hands and saved humanity. Yep, we definitely slept together, I thought. Mindy handed me the pack and I immediately applied it to the swollen areas. She began talking about how her mother never thought she would find someone, especially after all the therapy she’s been through. I was going through to much pain to plan our future together, when she ran off to make me something to eat. I saw it as my only chance; I escaped.

I felt like a dairy cow after a long day at work. I hobbled down the street trying to piece together the night before. So I slept with Mindy and of course the women back at the apartment. Where else did I go? I started to remember alcohol, when I heard a piercing screech of tires, lurching around the corner. It frightened me initially until I saw the person behind the wheel. It was Diane, my sidekick and wholesome friend. She must have surely been with me the night before, I thought. Maybe she could help. Diane stopped the car and got out with smile and an umbrella. She looked disheveled, which was so unlike her, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt given the circumstance of world events.

Another thing that was so unlike her was when she slept with me last night. It hit me much like it hit me with Mindy, except that with Diane it was accompanied by a surprisingly sturdy umbrella to the head. Diane was livid at me; clearly recounting the go for broke sex we had last night, stating over and over again (along with accompanying blows) that she was married and how could I compromise our friendship for sex. I thought it must have been good since she was so mad at me, which was something I should have just thought, instead of saying it out loud. Diane gave me one more solid body blow of rage before backing off toward the car. I was relieved it was over, but became terrified when she started to drive the car towards me, while screaming how she was going to castrate me for what I let her do.

I was conscious enough by now to take that cue for a quick dash in the opposite direction. I kept running and running until I couldn’t hear her screams. I ended up near my neighborhood and across the street from Leary’s Pub. The windows were shattered and the place looked trashed. Oh shit. Cathy. I knew bartenders were a fickle bunch, but that didn’t stop me from falling for Cathy. We always had long conversations about firemen calendars and plenty of laughs about the sexual tension. I became worried that something might have happened to her, but more concerned that the series of events that happened last night didn’t include her. I started to make my way to Cathy’s place a few blocks away, hoping we didn’t sleep together. Cathy has a rule to never go out with someone she’s had a one-night stand with, unless of course they were a fireman. I mean we were all supposed to be dead today so surely Cathy couldn’t hold my actions against me. Nor would I against her.

I approached Cathy’s apartment door and found it open. I slowly made my way in calling out Cathy’s name, but no response. Could she have died? Could the zombies I didn’t see out there have singled her out and propped her up as a zombie/human overlord? All of that faded when saw a pair of pants in the hallway to her bedroom. They were at least a 40 waist, which I knew for a fact Cathy didn’t wear. I rushed into Cathy’s bedroom only to find her amidst naked men like a Hugo Boss billboard. I called out her name and she awoke, surprised to see me. She got out of bed and led me into her kitchen. I felt insecure about her tryst, even though I was the last person who had the right to be, when she started to cry. She told me she thought she was going to die and wanted to be with me, but couldn’t find me. She clarified that the men were in fact fireman, but again didn’t think we’d be alive to suffer the consequences and thought there wouldn’t be another time where so many attractive guys would like her. I smiled and realized how similar our minds worked. I already knew she was perfect for me, but now I had to convince her that it’s true. I also have to get rid of the women in my apartment. That might send a wrong message. Or maybe we’ll call it even.

1/31/07 - Never Forget

LOST Season 6 countdown: 2 Days

S05E10 - "He's Our You"

S05E11 - "Whatever Happened, Happened"

S05E12 - "Dead is Dead"

S05E13 - "Some Like It Hoth"

S05E14 - "The Variable"

S05E15 - "Follow the Leader"

LOST Season 6 countdown: 7 Days

S05E03 - "Jughead"

S05E04 - "The Little Prince"

S05E05 - "This Place is Death"

S05E06 - "316"

S05E07 - "The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham"

S05E08 - "LaFleur"

S05E09 - "Namaste"

LOST Season 6 countdown: 13 Days

Well it's coming back and I thought I would do a countdown to the new season by re-watching the 5th season and showing screen captures from each episode.

S05E01 - "Because You Left"

S05E02 - "The Lie"

Malcolm Tucker Gets Mad

It's a redundant statement actually.

The Secret Life of Conan O'Brien #2

(Tonight Show Cancellation Edition)

Conan laughs at NBC:

Conan's secret is out:

Adult Swim 2-6-07

Screen Capture #5

The Colbert Report

Adult Swim 2-5-07