The Dogs Are Out To Get Us

An essay I wrote for Splitsider.com. You can check it out on their site here.

Alright listen up. We got another young girl found dead on Fuller Street. Yeah, I hear you. The third one like this in four days. We got to work this case hard, guys. If we do that we’ll get the sonofabitch. We don’t have much time, but we’ll get this goddamn dog even if it means I get demoted to training new brick heads like you. This has got to stop in MY city one way or the other. And I won’t let another cute, small dog, kill another innocent girl!

God damn it! One-day people will realize the danger of having these animals as pets.

Preliminary reports suggests that the dog slobbered on her…post mortem. One sick bastard. Once again I want to stress caution, in case you encounter this twisted animal.

You should all have the psyche profile on our suspect we received this morning. Use it. It’s fairly standard deranged-psychotic-killer-dog stuff. The concrete evidence we do have: He’s a half-breed Chihuahua. Name: Rico. Origin: Mexico. He was trained at a local adoption center. He has no tags and of course isn’t spayed or neutered. Then again they never are…

Because Rico doesn’t have any tags, the adoption organization didn’t know his background. Call it human error or an inefficiency in the system, either way, he got through the cracks. He’s been on the FBI’s Most Hounded List for over 5 dog years. Moving from one family to the next, always running away. This time he ran his way right into our victim’s heart.

Awareness was our main tool to get the word out about this animal. But today, we go back to old school beat copping. Getting out in the alleys. Canvassing dog parks. Leaning on some crooked vets. Hit a dog spa or two. Don’t be above shaking down a couple of dog treat makers, either. Do what it takes to stop these senseless killings. Period. After that, it’s up to whatever God you pray to. Because no one should have suffered like Halley did.

Rico was given to Halley for her 15th birthday. Treated it well. But to Rico, Halley was just another chew toy. To use and abuse. What really gets me is that she trusted him. She believed Rico was her friend. I mean look at her!

What kind of ruthless sonofabitch looks into eyes like Halley’s knowing he’s going to scratch them out like the fluff from a new La-Z-Boy? I’ll tell you what kind. The murdering kind.

Sure their petite frame and doe eyes make them seem cute, but deep down I know they’re all killers. Some people, some dog breath lovers might say, “Well they weren’t always like this. They were nice once.”

No. They were always killers. We… I…I just didn’t know it yet…

I shoulda known. One of those things was in my house! An English Toy Terrier, in my house! And I bought the damn thing for my daughter. And Sebastian licked my face. It made me love it. And then it went and killed my baby. Is that what you want?

Is that what you want for your little girl? Huh? To find you’re beautiful daughter tied up in a dog leash, dead from having been yapped to death!

I didn’t think so. The best we can do is catch Rico and pry his manicured paws away from the next innocent girl, before we’re prying those girl’s corpses out of the holes Rico digs up.

Then we’ll close this case and find some peace. The wife and I don’t sleep much anymore. How can you when you have to live with the guilt? I suspect none of you do either. But we’ll beat this. We have to. For Halley. For my sweet Emily. Because if we don’t, then we’re just opening the floodgates in our city for kittens, and God help us…parakeets. And I know none of you want to be pulling bloated dead bodies out of birdbaths anytime soon.

We’re in a grim business, but someone’s got to do it.

Now get out there and catch me that sonofabitch.

Sketch #2 - Sisqo and Ebert

INT. STUDIO - DAY

Two men are sitting at chairs in the dark.

V.O.

Welcome to At the Movies with your hosts Sisqó and Ebert.

LIGHTS UP

Roger Ebert and Sisqó sit facing the camera.

EBERT

Hello and welcome to this week’s edition of At the Movies. I’m Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun Times.

SISQó

I’m Sisqó of Def Jam Soul.

EBERT

Lets start off with our first movie that came out this week, Green Lantern. Here we have a classic comic book character with it’s first blockbuster treatment and well the lantern is very dim.

SISQó

I would even go as far as to say that the lantern wasn’t even on. Ryan Reynolds plays Hal Jordan, a fighter pilot chosen to become the Green Lantern. While I enjoyed the special effects, the laborious expository drags the film down. And even though I did see characters with silver hair, I would say that even that could not save my opinion of the movie.

EBERT

I would agree. I have to give it a thumbs down.

SISQó

I as well. But our next movie I thoroughly enjoyed. For our retrospective film we watched Last Tango in Paris, starring an older Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider. The film, ooooh, hit all the right places.

EBERT

It’s really a fascinating study on Brando at that point of his career. He is so exposed in the film that it’s such spectacle to watch.

SISQó

Absolutely. And while I thought the raw sexual vibe the characters displayed was honest, I felt that Maria could have worn more thongs.

EBERT

As more of an accurate dress for her character?

SISQó

Not at all. She’s just got a great booty.

EBERT

So if you had to rate this film as if it was released today, what would you give it?

SISQó

Thumbs up for acting, story and cinematography. Thumbs down for lack of thongs.

EBERT

I would have to agree with you there. Now Sisqo would like to give a short editorial on the recent craze of 3D filmmaking. Sisqó.

SISQó

3D filmmaking is not new. In fact since it’s introduction into the public in the 1920’s, 3D filmmaking has had its ups and downs like any other genre. But unlike the western or the musical, 3D films cost a lot of money to make. And while the experience of seeing characters wearing bright red leather clothing might be up my particular alley, I believe this is an example of the product not quite being worth the effort of the process.

EBERT

Thank you. And until next week the balcony is closed.

As the lights dim, Sisqó gets out of his seat and starts break dancing.

LIGHTS DOWN

TIME TRUMPET: 2010 Edition (Part Two)

(This is a one off written adaptation of the British TV series "Time Trumpet". I'm fully aware that there is an American version being made. I look forward to seeing it. This was made in part for my appreciation for the show and as a cool writing exercise. This is part two of a two part series. Read part one here. -Mez)

 

CELEBRITIES

In 2010 the “Keep a Child Alive” fund created an event that would have celebrities commit “social networking suicide” by no longer using any social networking services in solidarity of those who died of AIDS in Africa and India. Singer Alicia Keys, the charity’s co-founder, hoped it would draw attention to the senseless deaths of children to AIDS in Africa and India.

Their goal was to raise a $1,000,000 at which point the celebrities would resume social networking as if resurrected.

Alicia Keys at 74: I thought people’s need to hear, read, or see what their favorite celebrities were thinking and doing was so important that people would donate money to hear them.

The problem was that people were already paying to read and see what their favorite celebrities were up to, by buying gossip magazines and seeing entertainment news on TV and the Internet. The stunt was only supposed to last a month, but by the time the month ended, they had only raised $35.

Popular gossip sites like TMZ and Perez Hilton did much of the heavy lifting while celebrities were socially dead. Their methods, already invasive and revealing, became more so to sustain the demand people had. Contractually obligated not to return to Facebook or Twitter until $1,000,000 was raised, celebrities grew furious with the charity as their careers slowly died.

The Keep a Child Alive fund had to do something drastic to raise money and began to put the celebrities in comas.

Jackie Clarke (Comedian): “Save a life, by saving a life.” was their motto. But at that point no one really cared enough about Jennifer Hudson to awake her from a coma.

As of today, The Keep a Child Alive fund has only raised $2,000. 

NEWS

News networks began to blend the line between journalism and entertainment in the year 2010. The market for news reporting became under saturated, as most Americans stopped paying attention to current events, unless they involved celebrities.

In order for networks to keep ratings high, as well as advertiser’s money, they decided to compete for the day’s news.

Rob Huebel (Comedian): I don’t remember a lot about the news during that time, but I do remember the fights. NEWS FIGHT!

Spike TV, a network dedicated to the revitalization of the under appreciated American male, began setting aside air time, normally occupied for shows about cars running into places of business. They called it, News Fight.

Television news host Sean Hannity was one of the shows most voracious contenders.

Sean Hannity at 60: Oh, yeah. I loved News Fight. It’s like I never really felt at home reporting the news, until I was able to beat Wolf Blitzer half to death to tell it.

News Fight pitted news networks against each other to vie for the telling of the day’s stories. Run much like Ultimate Fighting, there consisted of a number of brackets. Instead of weight, it was age. Men and women fought in separate leagues, but it almost always came down to FOX News vs. everyone else.

Dana Gould (Comedian): FOX News really kind of dominated the league and reported on nearly every news story that they fought for. They really were passionate about wanting to tell the news. And their K.O. count proved it.

With a victory and the news story, the winning journalist would be able to report the news as they saw fit. Throwing away nearly all journalistic training, competing news networks began hiring journalists with heavy hand to hand combat experience.

Paul Scheer (Comedian): For someone who doesn’t really care about the world, I didn’t really care about who won. But what I did care about was the host.

Host: Howie Mandel?

Paul Scheer (Comedian): The one and only. So funny.

Howie Mandel hosted News Fight for 3 seasons before being replaced by a touch screen TV. 

TERRORISM

Out of the entire year’s events, the one that most remember is the night when President Obama announced the death of terrorism.

President Obama ordered an elite military unit to act on intelligence gathered by the CIA to assassinate the idea of terrorism, which had been hiding in a very public place in northern Afghanistan.

Jon Daly (Comedian):  I don’t really remember the announcement, but I do remember getting so shitfaced that I murdered a human being in cold blood. I just fucking strangled him, I was so jazzed by the news. And they let me go. That's America, man!

Host: OK, settle down.

Jon Daly (Comedian): Ahhh shit I've got that blood lust again! Come here motherfucker!

Host: Hey stop--

The nation could finally rest easy.

IN CONCLUSION

 As 2010 continues to live in the hearts of many, we can all be comforted that we don't have to live in a time where every man (young and old) was forced to wear Flavor Flav's gold teeth for at least 2 minutes. The year represented a critical point in what we now call "The Critical Points" and is still being studied and forgotten.

We would like to leave you with some more highlights of the year 2010:

-Time Magazine named “2010” the Person of the Year.

-Actor Will Smith released 0 movies during 2010, but instead released a lion in a public restroom.

-Among girls, ages 15-18, pregnancies dropped %45 due to the fact that boys, ages 15-18, began getting pregnant.

-Singer-Songwriter Bobby Brown died unceremoniously.

-Gay marriage was ratified in 14 states under the condition that they have to use a separate drinking fountain.

-The ghost of Grover Norquist scared people when he appeared before a still alive Grover Norquist during a speech.

-Former Victoria Secret model Tyra Banks attempted to activate the National Guard when someone tried to project a film on her massive sense of self importance.

-The U.S. economy bubbled for a brief period in time when the government got their deposit back for the Louisiana Purchase.

-The Nobel Committee gave King Tut “Only Egyptian Name People Still Recognize” award.

-Baseball team and corporate conglomerate the New York Yankees went on a streak to win the World Series and the Stanley Cup.

-The television show “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” was canceled due to its cancellation in 2006.

***Special thanks to Armando Iannucci, Roger Drew and Will Smith (the writer).

TIME TRUMPET: 2010 Edition (Part One)

(This is a one off written adaptation of the British TV series "Time Trumpet". I'm fully aware that there is an American version being made. I look forward to seeing it. This was made in part for my appreciation for the show and as a cool writing exercise. This is part one of a two part series. -Mez)

We are now in the year 2049. Today, people sing their way to work with musical cars and we finally figured out where the beef went.

Joining me in examining the year 2010 are those who lived during that time and comedians of today. Together we hope to understand the year that was 2010.

RACISM

2010 was a year of great advancement in science, arts and thought, while also being a year of great transgressions.   

Racism as we know it today has been eradicated and is now remembered at the former site of Graceland in Memphis, Tennessee. Relics of America’s racist past are kept there to remind people what the country once looked like.

But in the year 2010, racism was boiling to a point. The line between racism and bigotry were being blurred.

Rush Limbaugh was an outspoken critic of then President Barack Obama’s presidency; even though the president did things Rush had agreed with. His blatant hypocrisy was later revealed to be a misstep that led to a story breaking about him being a paid actor named Lester Corntrow.

Lester Corntrow at 75: They paid me lots of money to just say these things. I was desperate for money at the time and they really wanted someone for the long haul, but after I was exposed I had to stop.

Rush Limbaugh was exposed by the leading journalist of the time, Katie Couric.

Dana Gould (Comedian): Katie Couric was the perfect package. Attractive and with a brain. She was smart, but not too smart that people would be able to mistake her for a journalist.

Katie Couric’s nightly news show pulled in record ratings as the country tuned in to see her latest exposés.

Katie Couric’s breaking of the story that country singer sensation Taylor Swift was dating rapper Soulja Boy would prove a divisive issue for the country.

Paul Scheer (Comedian): It’s that classic American story. America falls in love with sweet country singer. Katie Couric then exposes her dating a rapper. America, out of nowhere, falls out of love with her.

Album sales dropped for the singer as she desperately tried to prove to the country that she was still their little girl they loved. But the country, although without admission, wasn’t ready for their sweet girl to date someone from a different race. Soulja Boy on the other hand used the animosity to produce the now infamous Crank That (Soulja Boy) video that began to hypnotize the country.

Aziz Ansari (Comedian): Everyone thought it was just a harmless music video. But then people started to get sick.

Actor Jon Hamm was one of those people that contracted the sickness.

Jon Hamm at 76: I remember seeing that video and before I knew it I was jockin on them. And I never jocked before. It was like I was possessed and I couldn’t stop dancing.

Host: Do you mind talking about that experience?

Jon Hamm at 76 (looking down): Only if you want me to relive the darkest period in my life.

The Center for Disease Control deemed the video a health risk and the White House followed suit declaring Soulja Boy a national security threat. 3 days later Soulja Boy was killed in a stand off against federal agents.

Taylor Swift was distraught.

Jackie Clarke (Comedian): That was the same year she was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame. And that was after she started dating People Magazine’s Whitest Guy in America, John Krasinski. 

OBAMA

In 2008 President Barack Obama was elected as the fist African American president amidst rumors that he wasn’t born in this country. A year later, as a publicity stunt to help smooth relations between the DMV and American citizens, President Obama’s secret would be revealed. After waiting 2 hours in line, only to learn that the DMV was now closed and unable to renew his license, President Obama proved the rumors true when he frustratingly began speaking Dutch.

Although President Obama’s Dutch birthplace provided a number of outraged commenter’s, his most divisive issue was his race.

Paul Scheer (Comedian): They would make jokes that Bill Clinton was blacker than him. (Starts to laugh hard.)

Host: Why would they say that? 

Paul Scheer (Comedian): I’m not entirely sure…

Joe Biden, best known as the only living Vice President who could rebuild a '54 Chevy from scratch, spoke to the American people's insecurities about Obama's race.

Joe Biden at 81: The problem was that it was hard for people to place their black ideals into Obama, who acted very white. And I tried to help the kid, but nothing worked.

President Obama seemed to try to hard when proving that he was half black. Not surprisingly Katie Couric began to dig and what she found was shocking in most kinds of ways.

Joe Biden at 81: He told me when he asked me to be his vice president that he wasn’t really half black. That his black half was actually white, pretending to be black.

Sarah Palin, a leading intellectual mind among people who believed books actually don't contain any words in them, never doubted for a moment that something was wrong with how Obama looked.

Sarah Palin 78: Ya know it just goes to show you, that hiding the truth from Americans never works. I always tell the truth to the American people. Just like Betsy Ross. When Ben Franklin asked her to make an American flag, she told him she could do it. She could have lied to Benjamin Franklin, but she didn’t.

President Obama was ashamed of hiding this secret from the American people. He offered his resignation of his presidency, but the paper work proved to costly and time consuming. He would go on to serve the rest of his term instead.  

(Continued in Part Two)

Sketch #1 - Detective Daddy

FADE IN:

EXT. STREET - DAY

OFFICERS keep a crowd of on lookers back as a detective’s car stops at the scene of the crime.

Detective TRAVIS, exits the car and approaches a wounded BOY.

BOY

I’ve been shot.

TRAVIS
Everything is going to be OK, the ambulance is on their way.

BOY
Daddy I’m sorry I was playing in the street.

TRAVIS
Hey your dad is on his way, OK? You’re going to be just fine. Now tell me who did this to you?

BOY
(wincing)
Tommy wanted to play stick ball in the street, because their was more room to run around, daddy. I didn’t want to play I swear.

TRAVIS
Listen kid I’m not your father, alright? You’ve been shot. Was it Tommy who shot you?

BOY
I just wanted to be a ball player like you said I could daddy. Like you taught me.

TRAVIS
I’m not your father, OK? When your father gets here, you can tell him all of this.

BOY
(coughing)
You remember that time when you told me to meet you at the ball game and you never showed up. Why daddy? Why didn’t you come?

TRAVIS
Listen you little shit. I’m not your deadbeat dad. I’m a police detective.

Blood starts to run out of the boy’s mouth.

BOY
Is it because I didn’t do good in school daddy? Because I tried real hard. Real, REAL hard.

TRAVIS
Listen you fucking moron, I’m not your father! I don’t want to be your father, I’m not looking to play fucking ball with some shit, that wasn’t smart enough to not play in the fucking street, OK?!

The boy starts to cry.

TRAVIS (CONT’D)
Listen I didn’t mean that, OK?

BOY
(sniff)

TRAVIS
You’re a good kid. I’m sure if your father was here, he’d say the same thing. Now I’m going to ask you one more time, can you tell me anything about what happened?

BOY
Daddy?

Detective Travis looks stoned faced at the boy who is turning pale.

BOY (CONT’D)
Daddy?

TRAVIS
(beat)
Yeah, son?

BOY
Why did mommy leave us?

TRAVIS
Because she's a whore.

FADE TO BLACK.

Gangsta Rap Music Video Clichés

Published by Chunklet Magazine here.

A Chunklet Industries Study

This has been done before. That can be said about many of the motifs, visuals, shots, and mannerisms that are in gangsta rap music videos. It can also be said about a list such as this.

But being the person I am, I wasn’t satisfied with just a handful of examples. Because of course rap videos are similar. Having seen as many as I have though, you start to notice the nuances of these clichés. And by having dedication only when it serves exploring the inane, I thought I could do better.

But what does this all mean? Through this close examination of rap videos will we have a better understanding of rap culture? Or music in general? Will it give us insight into the objectification of women? Will it explain just where all our money went? No. It won’t. That’s the nature of rap music. It’s to put those questions at ease with a beat, provocatively dressed women and money. And that’s all it ever wanted to do.

The following has appeared in at least one video. Rap culture in general is heavily based on replication, leaving us to understand that if it was done once in one video, it’s been done in other videos that followed (most of which probably will never see the light of day and shouldn’t).

The list is not complete, by any means, but it’s a start.

Intro credits for the video like a movie.
Funny skit before song starts to play. (Often featuring fat comedians)
Video is a parody of a movie. (i.e. Eyes Wide Shut)
Police car/foot chase.
Stuffy reporter on the scene. (i.e. Party, chase, etc)
The rapper’s “Crew” rolling into a suburban white bread neighborhood, stereos blaring.
Old white people shaking their fists at the loud music.
White people dressed like thugs and dancing stiffly.
A boy or girl, younger than 8 years old, dancing surrounded by a circle of people.
Flashback to rapper’s childhood.
Shot of street signs, at the intersection where the rappers grew up. (And where video will be taking place)
Shots of people rapper knew from the hood to show his cred.
Rapper playing multiple characters a la Tyler Perry.
Standing in front of a mansion as if to say, “I live here!”
Standing in front of a row of expensive cars. (Generally in front of the mansion they eluded to living in)
Craps game about to pop off.
The “Look at my grillz!” smile.
Rapping in front of massive pools.
Rapping in the studio.
Two shot. (Usually the rapper and a video girl)
Low shot of rapper rapping in front of a city landmark.
Bypassing the club line and entering the club with a simple handshake (or nod) with the bouncer.
Chorus of the song printed on the screen. (Much like a sing along)
Video girls lip-syncing with the lyrics.
Buff dudes lifting weights, excessively.
Rapper using women for exercise. (Not in a dirty way)
Knowing everyone at the barbershop.
Strip clubs.
Bedrooms turned into strip clubs.
Women having money, literally thrown at them.
Women dancing on elevated platforms. (Stage, table, etc)
Rapper checking out the girls in a car stopped at the red light next to him.
A woman licking a lollipop.
Shot of two girls who look like they are about to make out, but NEVER make out.
A woman's shirt cut way to high, exposing the bottom parts of her breasts.
A woman grabbing her knees in full booty jiggling mode.
Only one white girl in a video that features an abundance of black girls.
Rapper’s face next to a booty jiggling.
Rapper sitting in a collage (only way to describe it really) of hot biddies.
Fat guy pointing at the camera.
Fat guy eating.
Basketball game between rappers.
Sports celebrity cameo.
Wearing a basketball jersey.
Wearing a football jersey.
Clothing brand that rapper is wearing, blurred out.
Camo clothing.
Wearing bulletproof vests for fashion, not protection.
Wearing no shirt.
Rapper dressed like a cowboy.
Spinning shirt over the head like a helicopter.
Color coordinating.
Rapper pulling on their platinum chain as if to break it off their necks.
Rapper holding the chain on their neck like they are playing cat’s cradle.
Wearing a wrestling belt. (OK maybe that’s just Pastor Troy.)
Comic interlude in the middle of the video.
Close up shots of rappers tattoos. (Generally featuring a hood, family member, rap group member or Jesus)
Rapping with a crowd of people in the middle of the street with the camera at eye level.
Rapping with a crowd of people in the middle of the street with the camera above them.
Biting a stack of cash like a dog with a bone.
“Let it rain” money toss (generally hunched over and below the waist).
Duffel bag of cash. (Usually given in exchange for a series of cars, houses, jewelry, etc.)
Sexy women cutting up a drug of some sort or counting money.
Shots of money counter, counting money.
Rapper rubbing their hands together as if they are cold, but clearly not.
Soapy bathtub/hot tub scene, generally covering the ladies…features.
Close up shot of rapper’s shoe as they step out of expensive car.
Slow motion shot of a vehicle (motorcycle, car, three wheeled motorcycle) burning out in one place, creating smoke.
Slow motion anything. (Especially in the Juvenile music video for “Slow Motion”)
Ghost riding.
Suicide Lamborghini doors opening.
Standing on top of vehicles, rapping.
Limo versions of regular cars.
Shot of the rapper, in an expensive car, making a left turn.
Shots capturing the extravagant insides of the vehicles.
Jump cuts (cars driving, walking) to the rhythm of the beat.
Image frame cut up by black bars, in rhythm with the beat.
Dogs barking menacingly. (Almost exclusively bull dogs)
Rapper, who has nothing to do with the song or album, is featured in the video to up the “star factor” of video.
Producer in the video for no real reason, but to be in the video. (i.e. Damon Dash, Puff Daddy, Pharrell)
Showing where you are from, with accompanying jersey grab.
Saying where you are from, with accompanying hand signal (i.e. ATL).
Rapper wakes up out of his sleep/day dream/fantasy to realize it was all a dream.
Close up on a license plate (i.e. Da Ruler), before the car pulls away.
Quick shot during the fade out of the video, where the rappers break character and do something silly.

by Meseret Haddis
(Additional material by Rudy Behrens)

The Indie Cred Test

I was lucky to be published again by Chunklet Magazine, this time in their new book "The Indie Cred Test".

I contributed a number of jokes/answers/ideas to the book.

From the "Want Ads" section in the back of the book:

BAR FRIENDS
Straight male in 30's looking for straight men to have some drinks. Be willing to talk about politics, women, traffic (ugh) and have a good time. Will be at O'Rielly's downtown every night at 7pm. Just look for the guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

It's exhaustively detailed and funny so pick it up here or on Amazon.

Rejected Onion Headlines

Reports Say Christopher Guest Probably Not Making Another Film


Area Woman Realizes No One Loves The Golden Girls As Much As Her


Rejected Area Man Throws In The Towel And Gets a Sex Doll


Weird Shoplifter Promises Authorities He's David Blaine


Area Man Keeps Going On About How Good This Orange Tastes


Area Boy Dumbfounded By Missing Lego


Area Woman Has Had All She Can Handle Of Joan Embery


New Poll Suggests People Still Go Bowling


Apologetic Yo Yo Ma Forgets Cello At Home


Religious Woman Restrains Herself When People Start Talking About Abortion


Ice T Admits To Becoming Rapper After Failing The Police Academy


Oscar Winner Meryl Streep To Play Shitty Actress In Next Film


Restless Son Of Christopher Nolan Now Unable To Sleep After Father's Bed Time Story


Amateur Photographer Seriously Wants To Break Into Erotic Photography


Despite His Change, Hillary Clinton Still Unable To Forgive Bill


Divorced Woman Surprised When No One Notices Her Walking Naked In The Living Room


Reporter Unsure Of Where They Placed Sources Material


School Shooter Sleeps Through Alarm, But Still Makes It To First Period


Area Man Sees Empty Toilet Roll Halfway Through A Massive Shit

The Artist's Journey Through Their Art

Here's from discovery to death, the artist's journey through their art.

-Start to do something.
-Discover that you like doing it. It brings you joy.
-Do that thing again, in hopes of recreating that joy.
-Read and devour all information and knowledge that will help you become better at doing it.
-Continue to do it, while incorporating the new knowledge you have gained.
-Find someone who was amazing at doing it and begin to idolize them and copy their style. You make a concerted effort to make it your own, though.
-Realize you are just ripping off your idol.
-Experiment in new ways of doing your craft.
-Get defensive when you fail at being different.
-Pull back and begin to apply the "Less is More" motto.

-You get paid to do it and it gives you confidence in doing it more.
-Your life becomes consumed with creating more.
-People recognize your talent and give you more opportunities to showcase it.
-You experiment again, but fail.
-Pull back, realizing the mis-step and continue forward.
-Moderate success, leads to an opportunity to make it big.
-Opportunity comes, but you're to inexperienced to succeed.
-Pull back from disillusionment.

-Go back to doing it simply.
-Success leads to more success, but it is not overwhelming to you this time around.
-Random happenstance presents an opportunity for success.
-You knock it out of the park.
-Opportunities are abundant and everyone wants to talk to you.
-You sustain a living off doing it.
-You get married.
-You keep doing it in moderation, being happy with what you have.
-An opportunity close to the heart comes by and you take it.
-The opportunity brings nationwide (maybe even worldwide) exposure.
-You are lauded and praised for your achievement.
-You are given an award by your peers signifying your great accomplishment.
-You buy something you've never been able to afford. Maybe you buy two of them.

-You become wary of the next project and pick over everything carefully.
-You have a kid, occupying your time.
-Thinking about doing it again is always thought of in the context of "Would it be successful?"
-You do it again and it's a moderate success.
-Consumed by figures, you lose your drive.
-Talent begins to fade as you churn it out to pay the bills.
-You see the deterioration of yourself, but justify that it's how the world works.
-You go to far in selling yourself.
-You're mocked and made fun of on late night shows for being a has-been.
-You drink.
-You smoke.
-You cry.
-You get divorced.
-You can't even think about doing it any more.
-You hit rock bottom.

-You begin to do it again on a small scale.
-The shadow of your past success, begins to grow smaller.
-You build a small following.
-You get married again.
-Someone who reminds you of a younger you, offers an opportunity for almost no money.
-The opportunity is a huge success and people begin to see you differently.
-Offers begin to start coming in and you take everything, just happy to do it again.
-You do it to much, severing your relationship to your kid.
-People begin to do it better than you.
-You get jealous and get sloppy.
-You fail badly and in the public eye.
-You drink more.
-You smoke more.
-You don't cry.
-You get divorced.
-You fall into obscurity.

-You grow old, forgotten as the trailblazer of your time.
-You get married again.
-Younger people talk about you as an inspiration for what they do.
-You grow bitter.
-You get offered to do it again, only because of your fame, and you turn it down.
-You don't speak to your kid until you're on your death bed. They are an alien to you, but you love them, inexplicably.
-You apologize to everyone who matter to you.
-You die.
-Your wife is the only person who shows up at your funeral.
-Your representation begins to sell your stuff as "classic".

-You are forgotten.

Interview with Spirit Animal's Steve Cooper

This is an interview I did with Steve Cooper from the band Spirit Animal for Looseworld.com. Here's the link to the original.

On Friday night I went to Cameo Gallery to see Spirit Animal. Spirit Animal blends soul, funk, punk and rock and roll (and I even might have heard a little ska in there) allowing them to play harder cords while still being able to do a funk breakdown. Spirit Animal takes what marries well with each of these genres for a fun sound and an even better live set. After their show, I got a chance to do a quick interview with the lead singer, Steve Cooper, where we talked about their upcoming album The Cost of Living, funding the tour by cooking and whether dub is actually reggae.


LOOSEWORLD: You’ve been doing shows right?

Steve Cooper: This is the fourth show in four nights. We did D.C., we did Manhattan, we did Philly and we did Brooklyn.

LW: I read on your site that you will cook for people to play certain cities.

SC: Yeah, the tour was funded by a kickstarter fundraising effort that offered dinner parties in exchange for tour support, as the main reward. There were other rewards like remixes and music as it was finished, but the prime prize was dinner party, in your house, before we play. So we did a couple of those and we got here.

LW: How did those go?

SC: It was great. I mean one of them was 25 seats and five courses. And the bassist [Paul Michael], that we have on the east coast, he’s actually a wine buyer for a really nice restaurants in D.C., he’s worked in kitchens and stuff, so the line up from the stage was a chef’s line up. It was great; we worked well together and met a lot of cool people.

LW: You guys are touring for your new album that’s about to come out.

SC: Album’s coming, looks like October. It’s in the can. It features 15 musicians including one of the other founding members of Spirit Animal, Computer Jay. He was like an old school LA vintage-synth crazy-beat producer. And all kinds of other guys that are in other cool bands like Ben Harper and the Relentless 7, Robotanists, Breakestra…guys on the east coast. It’s just all over the place. It’s really been inclusive.

LW: Touring outside of LA, how do you like playing on the East coast?

SC: East coast shows, to be honest, are just crushing the LA shows. I don’t know if it’s because we have some history here or what it was, but it just worked out that we had these great opening slots for these really cool bands like Wallpaper, Asa Ransom, Game Rebellion, Dãm-Funk and it’s been a blast. It’s a really good reunion. I went to high school with the kid who’s playing guitar; I live with the kid who’s playing bass…you can’t recreate that kind of solidarity.

LW: After the album comes out, will you guys tour some more?

SC: Yeah. It looks like maybe right back to the east in September. Just trying to throw stuff together, while the clubs remember who we are. Ask them to play again. And then see from there. But yeah, just trying to make sure there’s a lot of activity leading up to the release.

There will be a second season of Feed Your Head, which is my like, sort of reality cooking show, where I like mess things up but also make things really good. And there will be guests on that and it includes some really cool people that are online and off. That will be every Tuesday in September to help build up for the record; more shows and hopefully some sort of awesome break.

At this point the interview was interrupted by this:



SC: That has got to be the worst Trinidadian accent I have ever heard in my life.

LW: Pretty bad.

SC: Stuff white people like…doing black people accents.

LW: Yep, totally OK when they’re talking to you.

SC: [laughs] Reprehensible.

LW: If people are interested, where can they hear Spirit Animal?

SC: Spiritanimal.us. Dot us. Spirit Animal dot us. There’s two free songs on there, our singles “Ants” and “Making it Work”. They’re also on iTunes if you have money. But if you go to Spiritanimal.us they’ll be the first things you can get for free. There’s links to the cooking show. It’s really like a big hub for dummies. Bunch of huge buttons you can just planet of the apes on it and you’ll get something cool.

LW: What are some bands you are listening to now that’s different from the bands you open for/with when you play.

SC: This year, Taman Paula (sp?) Seu Jeorge has been on heavy rotation. I’m listening to lots of old dub. This Trojan record label in London has complied something like 3,200 Jamaican songs. And old dub is basically soul music made by Jamaicans. It’s not even like reggae, to me. It’s so heavy. I’m not sure when it started to get called reggae that could be completely erroneous, please fact check that for me. (Dub was created out of reggae and is considered a subgenre of reggae) I actually got introduced to all this sort of ambient European techno music. I don’t know even if that’s the right word…like Stephan Bodzin and Oliver Huntemann. I have a new roommate who kind of opened my eyes to some of that stuff. It’s really good to email to, which is pretty much how I spend all the time I’m not sweating on people.

spiritanimal.us for more Spirit Animal and check out Steve “Chef” Cooper in the great cooking series Feed Your Head.

The Torture Never Stops: A semi-torturous photo show

This is an article/review of Jerry Hsu's Photo Gallery that I did for Looseworld.com. Here's the link to the original.

This past Thursday, Vice was holding an opening reception for one of their featured photographers called The Torture Never Stops: A selection of photographs by Jerry Hsu. Jerry is more notably a professional skateboarder for Enjoi. It’s easy to like someone who’s just good at whatever they do. And that’s Jerry.

To learn more about Jerry watch a profile on him on Patrick O’Dell’s great series Epicly Later’d:




The gallery was a few blocks from Canal St so it wasn’t to far from where I lived, which was good because it was hot. It wasn’t unbearable heat, but I made the dumb choice of wearing thick jeans, because I was too lazy to change into shorts.

As soon as I entered the gallery I realized I wasn’t going to stay long. Besides the environment of “cool” people looking at pictures, it was somehow hotter in the gallery than it was outside.

I quickly went to my self-confidence move of checking my phone. I didn’t go to the show with anyone, so I needed to collect my thoughts before I really walked into the seemingly judgmental stares.

After checking on my phone (which consisted of browsing the pictures I have taken) I proceeded to find the free drinks table. Besides liking Jerry’s pictures and needing a reason to get out of my apartment, the reception did advertise free tequila. I don’t know why this made my decision to go that much easier, considering I don’t really get drunk from tequila (long story) and getting really drunk as a goal never is enjoyable, just really sad (longer story).

I walked from the entrance to what seemed to be the drink table. I cautiously approached it, convinced I already looked like an idiot, and asked what was going on.

Lady: Do you want to get your picture taken?

In my head: No. I hate pictures of myself. Especially if they are taken by people I don’t know who might use it for things I don’t want them to be used for.

What I said: Yes.

I walked over to the table, which was actually just had a pile of shirts on it. The tequila company was doing promotions, by giving out a free V-neck if the person got their picture taken in front of a stack of boxes of their tequila.

I got my picture taken with the shirt on and asked the lady behind the table if I had to keep it on. She said yes, but in a way where I knew she was just fucking with me, but possibly not. I walked away, already sweating and took off the shirt.

I then proceeded to look around. There were stacks of free Vice magazines as well as little pocket-dumb-promotion-guide to the city thing. I grabbed a magazine and I spotted the actual drinks table.

I saw the DJ booth, next to the drinks table, which was odd because I couldn’t hear any music over the whirring of the industrial fans that were going a max capacity to stem the stagnant heat.

I walked over to the table not knowing really what to do. I’ve been to an open bar before, so I was sure to bring tip money, meaning it wasn’t really an open bar. Is it really ever? If you leave with the drink and don’t leave a tip does that guilt really constitute the openness of an open bar? I wish I could ask someone who didn’t feel guilty doing that and see what they say.

Behind the drinks table were what I could only describe as hunky men in the aforementioned v-neck t-shirts. I stood in line as I eyed two men behind the table next to a cooler, who had no one in their line. I didn’t realize they were also serving beer so I went to them, tip in hand.

Walking away from the table, beer in hand (guilt free) I saw Jerry’s photos from his photo blog http://nazigold.tumblr.com. I saw many of them before on his site, but I looked at them again, not wanting to just stand around.

I felt odd standing there. Maybe it’s because I didn’t know what the standard/respectful time of viewing photographs is or the fact that I honestly tried to study a picture that was simply a man (Kevin Long) on one knee holding an engagement box.

I mean how long can you really study a picture, before you go “OK. I get it.” Trying to study a photograph also doesn’t help when Jerry’s photographs are anything but complicated. They’re often just single note joke pictures or odd juxtapositions that are great, they just don’t lend themselves to intellectual discussion.

Pretty soon it got to the point where thick jeans and heat means leaving a fairly dull reception. I finished my beer and waddled home fantasizing about a cold rejuvenating shower.

The pictures are great. Even better on the numerous websites they can currently be found on, in the comfort and convenience of your home PC.

GIVE AWAY:

If you want the free t-shirt I was given (and wiped my sweaty forehead with, which I later washed) email us at holler@looseworld.com and you will be put into a drawing to win the shirt. The winner will meet at an undisclosed location (probably the looseworld office) and receive the t-shirt and a pat on the back.

Del Close Marathon 12: Day 2

The first day of the Del Close Marathon is a wonderful appetizer for the weekend. It brings back people and shows that you haven't seen since the last DCM and brings an energy that only arises when people who love the same thing get together and crowd a basement theater for a weekend.

Just by construction, the second act is always the best act, which is why Saturday is the day to see great shows. After a nice, but antsy rest, my roommate and I made our way back to get in line for Improvised Shakespeare. Last year he overslept and missed the phenomenon that is Improvised Shakespeare and vowed to not miss it this year.

So we got prepared.

A man points us in the direction to the UCB.

We decided to get in line a few hours before the theater cleaning to get prime spots for Improvised Shakespeare, but by 4pm there was already a line.

Improvised Shakespeare sounds like an interesting concept, but it also seems impossible. How can these performers create (let alone improvise) a Shakespearean play? I have no idea, but they do it.

Standing ovations at improv shows seems like it would be a common thing. People getting on stage and creating utter brilliance from nothing would seem like it would warrant standing ovations, but it doesn't. I don't know why (I should ask Will Hines). I, personally, have only given/seen one standing ovation (discounting the last show for a group). Not oddly enough that standing ovation was given at Improvised Shakespeare at the last DCM.

Shakespeare got his suggestions from Christopher Marlowe. Improvised Shakespeare gets them from sweaty improv nerds.

If you were there, needless to say, Improvised Shakespeare didn't disappoint and they deserved every second of their standing-O. They deserved it, if not for their set, then for their amazingly high bar that they set that permeated throughout the night. And what better show to follow brilliant improv? How about the Greatest Mother Fuckin Improv Team in the Mother Fuckin Universe?

Death. By. Roo. Roo.

*sigh* I'll say it. I miss Curtis getting frustrated with the audience when he asked for a suggestion.

Roo Roo did a patented monoscene that could only be summed up in John Gemberling's outrageously yelling like an umpire "YOU'RE OUT OF HERE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" to Gil.

Then some other show happened. You know which one. We won't talk about that.

But a great show was The Smokes.

Joe Wengert is a safe driver.

The Smokes were a great example in pulling focus to play and explore each of the characters. It was grounded and silly and a lot of fun. LA is so lucky.

After The Smokes a bloated Reuben Williams graced the stage with 11 performers. Imagine all 11 improvisers on stage, which is a lot, being funny. That was Reuben's set.

I wanted to stay for Apples & Oranges, being an obsessive Jon Glaser fan, but I had a schedule! And really it worked out for the best, seeing as I barely got a seat for the first show after the theater cleaning, The Benson Interruption.

It seems out of place that Doug Benson would have two shows at an improv marathon as a non-improviser, but you would be dumb to think that. Doug has been adopted into the improv community whether he has realized it or not.

[NOTE: Image is messed up and will be back up momentarily.]

Doug wonders why no one is sitting in chairs in the front row, then comes to the realization that the chairs are for the next show that he's in.

Doug's first guest was Paul Scheer.

"Tweet Off!"

Doug then had on Morgan Murphy and Todd Barry. Really it ended up being Doug and his guest talking, then having a tweet off. It was great.

The Smartest Panel of Experts is the best premise for being able to do a ridiculous character in a free form panel. Whether it's an impersonation (Rob Lathan's Mel Gibson) or a original creation (Seth Morris' Bob Ducca) or just a tree (Jon Daly's Sappity Tappity) they all take questions curated by Besser from the audience. This is officially the tipping point to the crazy late night shows, fyi.

Besser points.

Last year this next show was a sensation to be talked about in classes for months to come. It's a simple premise: The best "Straight Men" are all in a show together and through endowing either a character or a scene, they make themselves the straight man by making their scene partner the crazy one.

I think it's talked about a lot because it's the only gimmick show that actually teaches you something. Because you can't deny what you were endowed with, so you have to come up with how that detail actually makes you the straight man in the scene. It's the only show where someone walking off the back line to wash their hands in a bathroom is an edit line.

The Straight Men is a gimmick show that works as actual improv. Something that I hoped the next show would be. One Table, Infinite Waiters is what I would call a high concept show.

But having 40+ people on stage at one time is hard to follow.

But you can't be mad at a show that's just having fun.

Match Game '76 is fun every year, but the sheen of the gimmick wears off when the audience is prompting for the rape of a contestant even before a character on the show can. I think it was a mistake to release a video of last year's Match Game before the marathon started, if only for the fact that the audience came with an expectation and when that wasn't being met, they took it into their own hands.

That being said it still produced some great moments. Like Gethard (as the boy from Deliverance) getting into a paper throwing fight with an audience member that didn't seem playful or Jesse Falcon (as Buddy Holly) drawing the plane crash that killed him years earlier or Besser (as Iron Eyes Cody) picking up trash as various characters threw them at James Murphy (as the token Jack McBrayer).

Hype Man brought two things together: great improv and silly gimmick. The silly gimmick could have been a show itself, but it worked really well with the great improv. It also doesn't hurt that Eugene Cordero's playful energy naturally makes the audience on his side and up for anything.

Following the Hype Man was a welcome surprise replacement for Constantly Fighting Guys, Drawings by a Baby Eater. I've seen Howard Defendorfer draw people and I secretly want a drawing of myself, but I know better.

(The photo was double exposed on accident, but I love how it turned out. I wish this was a picture of just one show...)

Left Half: "When I say sweep, you say edit. SWEEP!" Right Half: Howard wants people to get their own fucking show.

Darryl! Darryl! Darryl was the chant, before a white man in a bright blue Darryl Strawberry Jacket emerged wielding a yellow bat. "Stand the fuck up!" he yelled and we obeyed. What followed was a 13 minute bit of people coming out as the NY Met's players. That might sound awful, but I assure you it was not.

Last year gave us the "9/11 Never Again" chant. It's safe to say they topped that this year.

"A black man, in black face. A black man, in black face."

From there I decided to make a break for the Urban Stages. There I caught the end of Woods & Garguilo so that I could see Stuck in a Whale.

Gavin and Gil hear a noise...turns out to be Alan Starzinki.

The show I regretted missing last year was Five Dudes. My friends never stopped talking about that show and how silly and crazy it was. I wasn't going to miss it this year and I'm glad I didn't.

Yes they danced. Charlie Sanders and Zach Woods weren't at the show so they were represented by a 5 gallon jug and a tall music stand respectively.

Eugene as Charlie Sanders. If only it were that easy to be Charlie Sanders...

I left after Five Dudes wanting to catch To Catch A Predator. It was twisted, wonderful, funny and just the right amount of male genitalia. To be honest I'm kind of over talking about how shocking it is to see Andy Rocco bottomless, because frankly it happens to much for it to be shocking anymore.

The final show before the theater cleaning was DAR SILICON. DAR SILICON consisted of Brendan and Jeff (correct me if I'm wrong) from the Kane Brothers along with Brendan's actual brother Owen Burke. What happened can only be explained by the rock nerd in me. If you asked me about the show it would probably go like this:

Random Person: What was good about the show?

Me: Everything!

Random Person: What did they do?

Me: Fucking rocked!

Random Person: Was there a trombone?

Me: Fuck yeah! It rocked!

The left picture was Chris Gethard talking to a 5 gallon jug alone on stage, while Bobby and Eugene are behind the curtains. The right picture is DAR SILICON in all their glory.

Again I double exposed this picture. It's my favorite picture because it captures what DCM is to me. It's the only time of year when the chorus line to an improvised punk show is "Pancakes" and when someone talking to a 5 gallon jug on an empty stage for (at least) 5 minutes can have a quite brilliance to it.

DAR SILICON was the only show I saw that deserved an encore performance and really Owen Burke failing across the stage is only transcendent if you get to see it twice. I left DAR SILICON's show pumped and ready for the strawberry sky just emerging. I was so happy, I felt guilty for going to sleep. Well not that guilty.

Second Day Awards:

Best Improv Show: Improvised Shakespeare, Death By Roo Roo, The Smokes, Reuben Williams (I really couldn't pick just one, they were each too amazing.)

Best Premise Show: Hype Man

Best Surprise Replacement Show: Howard Defendorfer

Best Quote: Doug Benson (as he hands out posters to people waiting in line): "Where the weed at?"

Sorely Missed: James Adomian & Rob Huebel

Best Seth Morris Show: The Smartest Panel of Experts

Best Use of the Stage: Owen Burke in DAR SILICON (You just had to be there.)

NOTE: I ran out of money to buy film, so Day 3 has no pictures. I'll just do a short wrap up of what I saw, as well as some of the craziness of the after party.

Del Close Marathon 12: Day 1

Ever since the last Del Close Marathon, my friends and I looked forward to the next DCM. Whether it was recalling the chant from NY Mets Monoscene Spectacular "9/11 Never Again" or just how amazing The Straight Men were, it gave us a chance to remember that great weekend.

Once again DCM came around for its 12th year. Sitting in line two hours before the first show began, it was hard to believe we were mere hours away from the best improv weekend of the year.

DCM Line ~2:30.

Riley wanted to plan where we were going to sit as soon as we got in, so he drew a blueprint to visualize the theater.

Riley in planning mode.

After waiting a few hours we were let in.

The first show was the press conference. Ian Roberts, Matt Walsh and Matt Besser came out to kick off the marathon and were almost immediately interrupted by a vuvuzela.

Besser demonstrates proper air-vuvuzela technique.

They called out for the culprits to show themselves.

Neil Casey laughs at Ian's threats.

After the big announcement of the second UCB Theater in NYC being opened in the new year, they they introduced the first team: Two Man Movie.

NOTE: Because I was shooting on film, I had to slow my shutter speed to take pictures during shows. Many of the pictures turned out blurry, but the ones that I will put up are fairly acceptable and don't look like a still from a Greengrass film. Not important for you to know, but I just wanted to preface. (If you are interested in seeing pictures that I didn't put up, blurry or not, email me.)

The first block of shows until the first theater cleaning were the best of the best. Highlights included:

Bassprov with (a very welcome) guest Jon Lutz: Learned that autism isn't real and that Sarah Palin probably doesn't have great tits.

Revolver: "I have to piss...blood!"

Last Day of School: Jim Woods. Nuff said.

Mother aka The Jon Daly Show

Audience after Mother.

I left the theater right after Mother to get back in line for the shows after the theater cleaning. Doug Benson's podcast, Doug Loves Movies, was the first show.

Doug looks at some "Dougouts" for name tags.

Shitty Jobs was the next show. It was, in my opinion the best example of UCB training. Game, heightening, strong characters and impeccable timing made this just a funny, funny show. Couldn't imagine what their sets are like with their full cast...

Dominic learns that Yu-Gi-Oh has no rules. Charlie smiles cause he wants to be a judge.

Following Shitty Jobs is The Mervin Douglas Show.

Horatio interviewing Gethard.

Skipping to the Christian Lighthouse Players the audience gets to see Seth Morris (arguably tying Charlie Sanders for the "Performer of the Marathon" award). I can't stop saying "Skateboard juice" and calling cool things "Half-pipe".

Philip (Eugene Cordero) prays for a good scene.

Christian Lighthouse Players is the same premise every year, but Owen Burke as the drunk father in the audience totally breathed new life into the show.

Following his gay-ish pastor in CLP, Seth Morris is the star of the next show as his immediately beloved character, Bob Ducca. Listening to Ducca on the radio is amazing. Seeing it in person is life changing. Morris knows this character and no matter what was thrown at him, he could somehow relate it back to his progress of building back his self-esteem/self-confidence.

Bob Ducca looks for love.

Bob Ducca's patented, perpetual sad face look.

Seth performed improv as Ducca with some audience members. It was uncomfortable for everyone, but Bob Ducca.

Then came the show everyone (especially me) had been waiting for, Wicked Fuckin' Queeyah. It wasn't in the marathon last year, which gave it a sort of cult status based almost completely on sheer hype. In short: It blew minds.

Purnell introduces the only show worthy of an introduction. (Except for maybe DAR SILICON. More on that later.)

Then magic happened. This was the best show of the weekend if only for the simple act of Kevin Hines grabbing Will Hines' face and throwing him to the ground. Needless to say, people smiled. Not because of hate for Will Hines, but just the awesome madness that this show was bringing.

Don't have sex with Derek Jeter. He has HIV. Seriously.

After the spitting, tossing and consuming of beer on stage, the next group couldn't have been more of a juxtaposition. Mrs. Darcy would have been appalled at what was on stage just minutes before.

Proper English ladies doing scenes based on the suggestion: Cocksucker. Only at DCM.

Next up some Chicago boys that go by the name Old Prospectors' Make 'Em Up Jamboree.

Just imagine momma.

By this time it was 3AM and it was time to see some naked bodies. Enter Baby Time with Winnie.

Babies.

Seth Morris in a cock sock, Gil with a full load in his diaper, Mike Still with a dangling bollock, Gabrus' as a tan baby, Neil Casey as a bearded baby, Jon Daly with a baby doll hanging out of his pj's and Anthony as a Jamaican nanny. Simply put: Just delightfully weird.

The last show I stayed for was The Improv Show with Jay Leno.

Diston channels his inner black Leno.

By this time I was beat and went home for some of that precious sleep.

The first day I saw a lot of great improv and premise shows. Plenty of not so great ones too, but no cares about those.

First Day Awards

Best Improv Show: Shitty Jobs

Best Premise Show: Wicked Fuckin' Queeyah

Best Seth Morris Show: Christian Lighthouse Players

Best Quote: (Said to my roommate as he was outside) Will Hines from across the street: "Hey guys! Improv! We're doing it!"

Best Use of the Stage: Doug Benson trying to walk on the walls like in Inception.

Sorely Missed: Jason Mantzoukas & Billy Merrit