Behind Freshman Eyes

BEHIND FRESHMAN EYES
By Tim Saxson

It’s been a few days since I arrived at UND. I was excited to come after I received my accepted letter in the mail. I was ready to meet new people, live with a roommate I’ve never met before and of course, get that college education I have been looking forward to since I started preparing for college in the 9th grade.

With my parents at the helm of the vehicle, we drove the 3 hours from my home, to come to Grand Forks. I stepped out of our car to catch a whiff of something truly upsetting. It took a few minutes and my lunch to get use to the smell, as I helped my parents unload my belongings from our car. We walked up the numerous flights of stairs, because the elevator was broken, and walked into my dorm. My parent’s helped with my belongings and gave their farewell. It was tough seeing them go, but I had a feeling I was going to be all right.

That night I went out with a my roommate, who seems like a nice guy, but has a habit of going to the bathroom a lot and coming back out super jazzed up. He took me to a frat party on University Dr. where we let loose. It was quite the extravaganza. There were lots of girls running around in more than questionable clothing and guys who look like they just came from the tanning/waxing salon. I don’t think I’m going to join a fraternity, but that isn’t stopping them from ambushing me in the streets.

The first day of class was horrible. I had three classes that I was positive, were actually going to take credits away from me. The general requirement classes, I swear, were exactly like my high school classes, in that everyone slept through the class and had a general distain to the outer world after. I never felt such a level of boredom. I didn’t even study for 3 hours like I did in high school; I just sat in my room and watched TV.

It’s been a tough few days, especially if you don’t know anyone here, from your previous school. It seems like no one really wants to make new friends or meet new people. I mean the girls are beautiful as if they came straight out of Playboy or Hustler for some of older students. I would ask one out, but I have a strong connection to my soul and don’t really enjoy it being sucked on. I can’t help but the think the sororities aren’t a contributing factor to their stunningly angry disposition to men that didn’t go Greek. If one of the girls weren’t a blonde the other blondes would absorb her like a rebel force. It’s quite frightening.

Overall I am quite disappointed from my vision of what college was going to be like. They call it college, but it’s really just high school. You would think when people graduate high school they leave that behind them and move on. That is hardly the case. I have heard more people talking about their old high schools more than I did when I was in high school. Apparently high school was the greatest thing that ever happened to these people and when they come to college, they do as much as they can to replicate that atmosphere. I thought coming to college meant leaving behind all the clicks and mundane arguments about what’s her face saying something about so and so. I thought coming here; I would have meaningful conversations about politics, social issues and climate change, while all of course sipping coffee at Tabula. Because, frankly, that’s what college kids are suppose to do.

Football Team Unwilling To Go To Hooters, After Loss

After their loss to University of Minnesota, UND football squad skipped their usual visit to Hooters, to sulk at home instead. “It was a really tough match, but none of them seemed up for going to Hooters after,” coach Dale Lennon (or current coach) said after the game. “It usually picks them up if they can see a nice rack of ribs or a busting seem of wings. But no matter how much I pleaded with them, they just wanted to go home.”

UND football team has built support for their Division I move, but with the recent loss, many students are questioning their support. “It just seems like they don’t care anymore,” said junior Carter Walsh. “I expect the move to D1 to be tough, but if they can’t muster the want to go to Hooters after the game, then maybe D1 isn’t for us.”

“It has been a long standing tradition to go to Hooters after the game, whether we win or lose,” coach Dale said. “With the great atmosphere, a cold tap and its surprisingly friendly wait staff, it’s tough for people not say no to. Hell any time I go there with the team, I eat free."

Hooters has declined to comment on the matter, but continue to support college students and their lustful fantasies of an unrealistic view of chili fries.

3 Frat Brothers Drown in Attempt to Save Beer Bong

Early Sunday morning, Campus Police discovered three frat brothers at the bottom of the creek, between Wilkerson Hall and Smith Hall. Deputy O’Hara said in a brief statement to the press, “We speculate that they drowned last night, in route back to their frat house, when their beer bong fell into the creek. It is a tragedy, that will be treated as such.” Simon Colton, Ralph Patterson and a frat brother, just known as Chad, were victims in a victim less crime. There is outrage from fellow fraternities saying that greater measures should be taken to prevent these sort of things from happening. Among a few of their suggestions, some were, a bridge and a roller coaster.

Many students every year fall into the creek and are unable to swim the 4-foot deep raging waters. Conspiracy theorists say that Campus Police have been pulling bodies out of that creek for years, but never disclosed it to the public, in an effort to hide their ineffectiveness as a police force. “Many of them, probably don’t want to be driving around at 3 in the morning on a Saturday, looking for students who are urinating various UND landmarks,” said Lance Trenton a professor of Eastern History. “But since a dry campus policy was instated, the has been rise of students walking back to their respected homes, drunk.”

We here at Contributing Editor don’t condone walking home drunk, but prefer you drive instead.