3 Frat Brothers Drown in Attempt to Save Beer Bong

Early Sunday morning, Campus Police discovered three frat brothers at the bottom of the creek, between Wilkerson Hall and Smith Hall. Deputy O’Hara said in a brief statement to the press, “We speculate that they drowned last night, in route back to their frat house, when their beer bong fell into the creek. It is a tragedy, that will be treated as such.” Simon Colton, Ralph Patterson and a frat brother, just known as Chad, were victims in a victim less crime. There is outrage from fellow fraternities saying that greater measures should be taken to prevent these sort of things from happening. Among a few of their suggestions, some were, a bridge and a roller coaster.

Many students every year fall into the creek and are unable to swim the 4-foot deep raging waters. Conspiracy theorists say that Campus Police have been pulling bodies out of that creek for years, but never disclosed it to the public, in an effort to hide their ineffectiveness as a police force. “Many of them, probably don’t want to be driving around at 3 in the morning on a Saturday, looking for students who are urinating various UND landmarks,” said Lance Trenton a professor of Eastern History. “But since a dry campus policy was instated, the has been rise of students walking back to their respected homes, drunk.”

We here at Contributing Editor don’t condone walking home drunk, but prefer you drive instead.