Rejected Onion Headlines

Reports Say Christopher Guest Probably Not Making Another Film


Area Woman Realizes No One Loves The Golden Girls As Much As Her


Rejected Area Man Throws In The Towel And Gets a Sex Doll


Weird Shoplifter Promises Authorities He's David Blaine


Area Man Keeps Going On About How Good This Orange Tastes


Area Boy Dumbfounded By Missing Lego


Area Woman Has Had All She Can Handle Of Joan Embery


New Poll Suggests People Still Go Bowling


Apologetic Yo Yo Ma Forgets Cello At Home


Religious Woman Restrains Herself When People Start Talking About Abortion


Ice T Admits To Becoming Rapper After Failing The Police Academy


Oscar Winner Meryl Streep To Play Shitty Actress In Next Film


Restless Son Of Christopher Nolan Now Unable To Sleep After Father's Bed Time Story


Amateur Photographer Seriously Wants To Break Into Erotic Photography


Despite His Change, Hillary Clinton Still Unable To Forgive Bill


Divorced Woman Surprised When No One Notices Her Walking Naked In The Living Room


Reporter Unsure Of Where They Placed Sources Material


School Shooter Sleeps Through Alarm, But Still Makes It To First Period


Area Man Sees Empty Toilet Roll Halfway Through A Massive Shit