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With the increase of sad sacks discovering the internet and the popularity of the reality show “The Pick-Up Artist” (Season 2 coming soon!!), the world of seduction is being tapped like the local harlot for all its wonders and infections. As a nebbishy person myself, the general talk of seduction intrigued me. Not to pursue actively talking to women, obviously, but to observe the true nature of seduction.

I chose to start my observation at a local watering hole, commonly know as a bar or “Glazed Over Sadness.” I, like many my age (20) and sex (male), wasn’t permitted into the bar because of my Y challenged chromosome, but what I saw outside of it was astonishing. It was quite mysterious to me. I found a large number of people entering the bar and a select few of them exiting the bar with someone of the opposite sex and sometimes someone of the same sex gently coaxing them along. What was going on inside the bar? Do women and men acknowledge bars as a place to meet and then leave together? Is there something after leaving said bar that these creatures intend on doing? After many attempts to try to enter the bar and strongly worded, but poorly written cease and desist letter, I gave up in a fit of frustration.

I decided to take my search to a different place: A cafeteria. Partly out of its convenience for a college student and partly because movie theaters are too dark to conduct any kind of activity inside. The cafeteria is a seemingly innocent place to the average person, but the art of seduction knows no bounds. What I witnessed was the greatest show of seduction since the inception of the baby boom. I observed three cafeterias. (From the background information I had gathered, these couples have never met before or were ever a part of the Walter Mondale ‘84 presidential campaign.)

Hospital cafeteria - A man and a woman are sitting at opposite tables when the man flicks his chocolate pudding at her. She becomes enraged and approaches the man. “Why did you do that?” she inquires. The man stands up from his seat and says, “Did you get a hair cut?” The woman, playing coy with the man, rubs her bald head and smiles. “I find bald women extremely alluring, but often dying of cancer,” the man says as he pulls out a cigar. The woman reaches into her pocket and pulls out a match. He inhales the smoke and motions for her to sit down. She joins him without reservation.

Lesson — Men who are mean to women, get them, but only if they subscribe to Maxim magazine.

College cafeteria - A young man approaches a woman sitting at a table alone. She notices him standing next to her at the table. She lunges for him, and they begin to neck like Humphrey Bogart on a 2 day pass.

Lesson — Sometimes words just complicate things.

Nursing home cafeteria - A decrepit older man approaches a women sitting eating her ambrosia. “What is that?” he asks. “Ambrosia,” the woman caws. “You want some?” The man sits next to her and has some of her ambrosia.

Lesson — Ambrosia brings people together.

After my stunning observations in these cafeterias, I began to search for other venues that kindle the fire that is seduction. I have noticed that bus stops are very erotic areas, as are desks and window seats. The best places to meet your future wife or husband are still, of course, your local American Eagle outlet store, gas stations, and moving vehicles.