The Dogs Are Out To Get Us

An essay I wrote for Splitsider.com. You can check it out on their site here.

Alright listen up. We got another young girl found dead on Fuller Street. Yeah, I hear you. The third one like this in four days. We got to work this case hard, guys. If we do that we’ll get the sonofabitch. We don’t have much time, but we’ll get this goddamn dog even if it means I get demoted to training new brick heads like you. This has got to stop in MY city one way or the other. And I won’t let another cute, small dog, kill another innocent girl!

God damn it! One-day people will realize the danger of having these animals as pets.

Preliminary reports suggests that the dog slobbered on her…post mortem. One sick bastard. Once again I want to stress caution, in case you encounter this twisted animal.

You should all have the psyche profile on our suspect we received this morning. Use it. It’s fairly standard deranged-psychotic-killer-dog stuff. The concrete evidence we do have: He’s a half-breed Chihuahua. Name: Rico. Origin: Mexico. He was trained at a local adoption center. He has no tags and of course isn’t spayed or neutered. Then again they never are…

Because Rico doesn’t have any tags, the adoption organization didn’t know his background. Call it human error or an inefficiency in the system, either way, he got through the cracks. He’s been on the FBI’s Most Hounded List for over 5 dog years. Moving from one family to the next, always running away. This time he ran his way right into our victim’s heart.

Awareness was our main tool to get the word out about this animal. But today, we go back to old school beat copping. Getting out in the alleys. Canvassing dog parks. Leaning on some crooked vets. Hit a dog spa or two. Don’t be above shaking down a couple of dog treat makers, either. Do what it takes to stop these senseless killings. Period. After that, it’s up to whatever God you pray to. Because no one should have suffered like Halley did.

Rico was given to Halley for her 15th birthday. Treated it well. But to Rico, Halley was just another chew toy. To use and abuse. What really gets me is that she trusted him. She believed Rico was her friend. I mean look at her!

What kind of ruthless sonofabitch looks into eyes like Halley’s knowing he’s going to scratch them out like the fluff from a new La-Z-Boy? I’ll tell you what kind. The murdering kind.

Sure their petite frame and doe eyes make them seem cute, but deep down I know they’re all killers. Some people, some dog breath lovers might say, “Well they weren’t always like this. They were nice once.”

No. They were always killers. We… I…I just didn’t know it yet…

I shoulda known. One of those things was in my house! An English Toy Terrier, in my house! And I bought the damn thing for my daughter. And Sebastian licked my face. It made me love it. And then it went and killed my baby. Is that what you want?

Is that what you want for your little girl? Huh? To find you’re beautiful daughter tied up in a dog leash, dead from having been yapped to death!

I didn’t think so. The best we can do is catch Rico and pry his manicured paws away from the next innocent girl, before we’re prying those girl’s corpses out of the holes Rico digs up.

Then we’ll close this case and find some peace. The wife and I don’t sleep much anymore. How can you when you have to live with the guilt? I suspect none of you do either. But we’ll beat this. We have to. For Halley. For my sweet Emily. Because if we don’t, then we’re just opening the floodgates in our city for kittens, and God help us…parakeets. And I know none of you want to be pulling bloated dead bodies out of birdbaths anytime soon.

We’re in a grim business, but someone’s got to do it.

Now get out there and catch me that sonofabitch.

Gangsta Rap Music Video Clichés

Published by Chunklet Magazine here.

A Chunklet Industries Study

This has been done before. That can be said about many of the motifs, visuals, shots, and mannerisms that are in gangsta rap music videos. It can also be said about a list such as this.

But being the person I am, I wasn’t satisfied with just a handful of examples. Because of course rap videos are similar. Having seen as many as I have though, you start to notice the nuances of these clichés. And by having dedication only when it serves exploring the inane, I thought I could do better.

But what does this all mean? Through this close examination of rap videos will we have a better understanding of rap culture? Or music in general? Will it give us insight into the objectification of women? Will it explain just where all our money went? No. It won’t. That’s the nature of rap music. It’s to put those questions at ease with a beat, provocatively dressed women and money. And that’s all it ever wanted to do.

The following has appeared in at least one video. Rap culture in general is heavily based on replication, leaving us to understand that if it was done once in one video, it’s been done in other videos that followed (most of which probably will never see the light of day and shouldn’t).

The list is not complete, by any means, but it’s a start.

Intro credits for the video like a movie.
Funny skit before song starts to play. (Often featuring fat comedians)
Video is a parody of a movie. (i.e. Eyes Wide Shut)
Police car/foot chase.
Stuffy reporter on the scene. (i.e. Party, chase, etc)
The rapper’s “Crew” rolling into a suburban white bread neighborhood, stereos blaring.
Old white people shaking their fists at the loud music.
White people dressed like thugs and dancing stiffly.
A boy or girl, younger than 8 years old, dancing surrounded by a circle of people.
Flashback to rapper’s childhood.
Shot of street signs, at the intersection where the rappers grew up. (And where video will be taking place)
Shots of people rapper knew from the hood to show his cred.
Rapper playing multiple characters a la Tyler Perry.
Standing in front of a mansion as if to say, “I live here!”
Standing in front of a row of expensive cars. (Generally in front of the mansion they eluded to living in)
Craps game about to pop off.
The “Look at my grillz!” smile.
Rapping in front of massive pools.
Rapping in the studio.
Two shot. (Usually the rapper and a video girl)
Low shot of rapper rapping in front of a city landmark.
Bypassing the club line and entering the club with a simple handshake (or nod) with the bouncer.
Chorus of the song printed on the screen. (Much like a sing along)
Video girls lip-syncing with the lyrics.
Buff dudes lifting weights, excessively.
Rapper using women for exercise. (Not in a dirty way)
Knowing everyone at the barbershop.
Strip clubs.
Bedrooms turned into strip clubs.
Women having money, literally thrown at them.
Women dancing on elevated platforms. (Stage, table, etc)
Rapper checking out the girls in a car stopped at the red light next to him.
A woman licking a lollipop.
Shot of two girls who look like they are about to make out, but NEVER make out.
A woman's shirt cut way to high, exposing the bottom parts of her breasts.
A woman grabbing her knees in full booty jiggling mode.
Only one white girl in a video that features an abundance of black girls.
Rapper’s face next to a booty jiggling.
Rapper sitting in a collage (only way to describe it really) of hot biddies.
Fat guy pointing at the camera.
Fat guy eating.
Basketball game between rappers.
Sports celebrity cameo.
Wearing a basketball jersey.
Wearing a football jersey.
Clothing brand that rapper is wearing, blurred out.
Camo clothing.
Wearing bulletproof vests for fashion, not protection.
Wearing no shirt.
Rapper dressed like a cowboy.
Spinning shirt over the head like a helicopter.
Color coordinating.
Rapper pulling on their platinum chain as if to break it off their necks.
Rapper holding the chain on their neck like they are playing cat’s cradle.
Wearing a wrestling belt. (OK maybe that’s just Pastor Troy.)
Comic interlude in the middle of the video.
Close up shots of rappers tattoos. (Generally featuring a hood, family member, rap group member or Jesus)
Rapping with a crowd of people in the middle of the street with the camera at eye level.
Rapping with a crowd of people in the middle of the street with the camera above them.
Biting a stack of cash like a dog with a bone.
“Let it rain” money toss (generally hunched over and below the waist).
Duffel bag of cash. (Usually given in exchange for a series of cars, houses, jewelry, etc.)
Sexy women cutting up a drug of some sort or counting money.
Shots of money counter, counting money.
Rapper rubbing their hands together as if they are cold, but clearly not.
Soapy bathtub/hot tub scene, generally covering the ladies…features.
Close up shot of rapper’s shoe as they step out of expensive car.
Slow motion shot of a vehicle (motorcycle, car, three wheeled motorcycle) burning out in one place, creating smoke.
Slow motion anything. (Especially in the Juvenile music video for “Slow Motion”)
Ghost riding.
Suicide Lamborghini doors opening.
Standing on top of vehicles, rapping.
Limo versions of regular cars.
Shot of the rapper, in an expensive car, making a left turn.
Shots capturing the extravagant insides of the vehicles.
Jump cuts (cars driving, walking) to the rhythm of the beat.
Image frame cut up by black bars, in rhythm with the beat.
Dogs barking menacingly. (Almost exclusively bull dogs)
Rapper, who has nothing to do with the song or album, is featured in the video to up the “star factor” of video.
Producer in the video for no real reason, but to be in the video. (i.e. Damon Dash, Puff Daddy, Pharrell)
Showing where you are from, with accompanying jersey grab.
Saying where you are from, with accompanying hand signal (i.e. ATL).
Rapper wakes up out of his sleep/day dream/fantasy to realize it was all a dream.
Close up on a license plate (i.e. Da Ruler), before the car pulls away.
Quick shot during the fade out of the video, where the rappers break character and do something silly.

by Meseret Haddis
(Additional material by Rudy Behrens)

The Indie Cred Test

I was lucky to be published again by Chunklet Magazine, this time in their new book "The Indie Cred Test".

I contributed a number of jokes/answers/ideas to the book.

From the "Want Ads" section in the back of the book:

BAR FRIENDS
Straight male in 30's looking for straight men to have some drinks. Be willing to talk about politics, women, traffic (ugh) and have a good time. Will be at O'Rielly's downtown every night at 7pm. Just look for the guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

It's exhaustively detailed and funny so pick it up here or on Amazon.

Interview with Spirit Animal's Steve Cooper

This is an interview I did with Steve Cooper from the band Spirit Animal for Looseworld.com. Here's the link to the original.

On Friday night I went to Cameo Gallery to see Spirit Animal. Spirit Animal blends soul, funk, punk and rock and roll (and I even might have heard a little ska in there) allowing them to play harder cords while still being able to do a funk breakdown. Spirit Animal takes what marries well with each of these genres for a fun sound and an even better live set. After their show, I got a chance to do a quick interview with the lead singer, Steve Cooper, where we talked about their upcoming album The Cost of Living, funding the tour by cooking and whether dub is actually reggae.


LOOSEWORLD: You’ve been doing shows right?

Steve Cooper: This is the fourth show in four nights. We did D.C., we did Manhattan, we did Philly and we did Brooklyn.

LW: I read on your site that you will cook for people to play certain cities.

SC: Yeah, the tour was funded by a kickstarter fundraising effort that offered dinner parties in exchange for tour support, as the main reward. There were other rewards like remixes and music as it was finished, but the prime prize was dinner party, in your house, before we play. So we did a couple of those and we got here.

LW: How did those go?

SC: It was great. I mean one of them was 25 seats and five courses. And the bassist [Paul Michael], that we have on the east coast, he’s actually a wine buyer for a really nice restaurants in D.C., he’s worked in kitchens and stuff, so the line up from the stage was a chef’s line up. It was great; we worked well together and met a lot of cool people.

LW: You guys are touring for your new album that’s about to come out.

SC: Album’s coming, looks like October. It’s in the can. It features 15 musicians including one of the other founding members of Spirit Animal, Computer Jay. He was like an old school LA vintage-synth crazy-beat producer. And all kinds of other guys that are in other cool bands like Ben Harper and the Relentless 7, Robotanists, Breakestra…guys on the east coast. It’s just all over the place. It’s really been inclusive.

LW: Touring outside of LA, how do you like playing on the East coast?

SC: East coast shows, to be honest, are just crushing the LA shows. I don’t know if it’s because we have some history here or what it was, but it just worked out that we had these great opening slots for these really cool bands like Wallpaper, Asa Ransom, Game Rebellion, Dãm-Funk and it’s been a blast. It’s a really good reunion. I went to high school with the kid who’s playing guitar; I live with the kid who’s playing bass…you can’t recreate that kind of solidarity.

LW: After the album comes out, will you guys tour some more?

SC: Yeah. It looks like maybe right back to the east in September. Just trying to throw stuff together, while the clubs remember who we are. Ask them to play again. And then see from there. But yeah, just trying to make sure there’s a lot of activity leading up to the release.

There will be a second season of Feed Your Head, which is my like, sort of reality cooking show, where I like mess things up but also make things really good. And there will be guests on that and it includes some really cool people that are online and off. That will be every Tuesday in September to help build up for the record; more shows and hopefully some sort of awesome break.

At this point the interview was interrupted by this:



SC: That has got to be the worst Trinidadian accent I have ever heard in my life.

LW: Pretty bad.

SC: Stuff white people like…doing black people accents.

LW: Yep, totally OK when they’re talking to you.

SC: [laughs] Reprehensible.

LW: If people are interested, where can they hear Spirit Animal?

SC: Spiritanimal.us. Dot us. Spirit Animal dot us. There’s two free songs on there, our singles “Ants” and “Making it Work”. They’re also on iTunes if you have money. But if you go to Spiritanimal.us they’ll be the first things you can get for free. There’s links to the cooking show. It’s really like a big hub for dummies. Bunch of huge buttons you can just planet of the apes on it and you’ll get something cool.

LW: What are some bands you are listening to now that’s different from the bands you open for/with when you play.

SC: This year, Taman Paula (sp?) Seu Jeorge has been on heavy rotation. I’m listening to lots of old dub. This Trojan record label in London has complied something like 3,200 Jamaican songs. And old dub is basically soul music made by Jamaicans. It’s not even like reggae, to me. It’s so heavy. I’m not sure when it started to get called reggae that could be completely erroneous, please fact check that for me. (Dub was created out of reggae and is considered a subgenre of reggae) I actually got introduced to all this sort of ambient European techno music. I don’t know even if that’s the right word…like Stephan Bodzin and Oliver Huntemann. I have a new roommate who kind of opened my eyes to some of that stuff. It’s really good to email to, which is pretty much how I spend all the time I’m not sweating on people.

spiritanimal.us for more Spirit Animal and check out Steve “Chef” Cooper in the great cooking series Feed Your Head.

The Torture Never Stops: A semi-torturous photo show

This is an article/review of Jerry Hsu's Photo Gallery that I did for Looseworld.com. Here's the link to the original.

This past Thursday, Vice was holding an opening reception for one of their featured photographers called The Torture Never Stops: A selection of photographs by Jerry Hsu. Jerry is more notably a professional skateboarder for Enjoi. It’s easy to like someone who’s just good at whatever they do. And that’s Jerry.

To learn more about Jerry watch a profile on him on Patrick O’Dell’s great series Epicly Later’d:




The gallery was a few blocks from Canal St so it wasn’t to far from where I lived, which was good because it was hot. It wasn’t unbearable heat, but I made the dumb choice of wearing thick jeans, because I was too lazy to change into shorts.

As soon as I entered the gallery I realized I wasn’t going to stay long. Besides the environment of “cool” people looking at pictures, it was somehow hotter in the gallery than it was outside.

I quickly went to my self-confidence move of checking my phone. I didn’t go to the show with anyone, so I needed to collect my thoughts before I really walked into the seemingly judgmental stares.

After checking on my phone (which consisted of browsing the pictures I have taken) I proceeded to find the free drinks table. Besides liking Jerry’s pictures and needing a reason to get out of my apartment, the reception did advertise free tequila. I don’t know why this made my decision to go that much easier, considering I don’t really get drunk from tequila (long story) and getting really drunk as a goal never is enjoyable, just really sad (longer story).

I walked from the entrance to what seemed to be the drink table. I cautiously approached it, convinced I already looked like an idiot, and asked what was going on.

Lady: Do you want to get your picture taken?

In my head: No. I hate pictures of myself. Especially if they are taken by people I don’t know who might use it for things I don’t want them to be used for.

What I said: Yes.

I walked over to the table, which was actually just had a pile of shirts on it. The tequila company was doing promotions, by giving out a free V-neck if the person got their picture taken in front of a stack of boxes of their tequila.

I got my picture taken with the shirt on and asked the lady behind the table if I had to keep it on. She said yes, but in a way where I knew she was just fucking with me, but possibly not. I walked away, already sweating and took off the shirt.

I then proceeded to look around. There were stacks of free Vice magazines as well as little pocket-dumb-promotion-guide to the city thing. I grabbed a magazine and I spotted the actual drinks table.

I saw the DJ booth, next to the drinks table, which was odd because I couldn’t hear any music over the whirring of the industrial fans that were going a max capacity to stem the stagnant heat.

I walked over to the table not knowing really what to do. I’ve been to an open bar before, so I was sure to bring tip money, meaning it wasn’t really an open bar. Is it really ever? If you leave with the drink and don’t leave a tip does that guilt really constitute the openness of an open bar? I wish I could ask someone who didn’t feel guilty doing that and see what they say.

Behind the drinks table were what I could only describe as hunky men in the aforementioned v-neck t-shirts. I stood in line as I eyed two men behind the table next to a cooler, who had no one in their line. I didn’t realize they were also serving beer so I went to them, tip in hand.

Walking away from the table, beer in hand (guilt free) I saw Jerry’s photos from his photo blog http://nazigold.tumblr.com. I saw many of them before on his site, but I looked at them again, not wanting to just stand around.

I felt odd standing there. Maybe it’s because I didn’t know what the standard/respectful time of viewing photographs is or the fact that I honestly tried to study a picture that was simply a man (Kevin Long) on one knee holding an engagement box.

I mean how long can you really study a picture, before you go “OK. I get it.” Trying to study a photograph also doesn’t help when Jerry’s photographs are anything but complicated. They’re often just single note joke pictures or odd juxtapositions that are great, they just don’t lend themselves to intellectual discussion.

Pretty soon it got to the point where thick jeans and heat means leaving a fairly dull reception. I finished my beer and waddled home fantasizing about a cold rejuvenating shower.

The pictures are great. Even better on the numerous websites they can currently be found on, in the comfort and convenience of your home PC.

GIVE AWAY:

If you want the free t-shirt I was given (and wiped my sweaty forehead with, which I later washed) email us at holler@looseworld.com and you will be put into a drawing to win the shirt. The winner will meet at an undisclosed location (probably the looseworld office) and receive the t-shirt and a pat on the back.

The Rock Bible

I contributed some rules to Henry Owings' (Chunklet) very funny book The Rock Bible which you can buy at Quirkbooks.com or on Amazon.

Here's one of my rules in the book

Drummers (in the Book of Live Performances)  Rule 52: In no way, shape, or form will you lead a band from behind your drum set.

What You Need If...

I started writing for this site called WhatYouNeedIf.com and they posted my first article titled "You Might Be A New York City Hipster". They have a lot of great articles so check them out and be satisfied. (Note: The site has since been taken down, but below is the article as it was on the site.)

Signs you might be a New York City hipster

You know when you buy a new pair of shoes, it's really uncomfortable for a while and you might even get blisters, but you know it's all worth it because it will eventually become tolerable to wear. NYC hipsters are kind of the same way except for the becoming tolerable part. Knowing whether you are a hipster is hard to find out. It's like wondering if you're attractive or not. Other people have to tell you if you are or you aren't. If you exhibit 1 out of the 5 below, you're probably a NYC hipster scum-bag.

You Drink Iced Coffee

Iced coffee was created to supplement the hipsters desire to drink boiling hot coffee. The problem with that was that during the summer time, when NYC hipsters needed a cup of joe to start their day eating humus that they bought from the Union Square market and being dead on the inside, they would order hot coffee and their faces would melt when they began drinking it. The coffee places were losing lawsuits to these hipsters and tried brainstorming ideas to keep hipsters drinking their coffee, but not hemorrhaging money. Then one day, on bring your daughter to work day, one of the executives daughters suggested they put ice in the coffee if it was to hot. The other executives laughed and laughed. One of the executives asked the little girl "How old are you? Eight." and the girl replied "No. I'm nine."

And thus iced coffee was created to give diabetes to hipsters.

You wear stretchy spandex pants (exclusive to women and some men)

If the thought of looking like you exercise, but not actually exercising intrigues you, you probably own stretchy spandex pants. Stretchy spandex pants (or D.O.U.C.H.E. for short) were God's way of saying, "And thou shall look like thee has cometh from a Pat Benetar music video audition" or in so many words, "Ridiculous". Plus you might argue, who doesn't like looking at camel toes on their way donate blood? I dare you to walk through Washington Square Park and leave with your lunch still in your stomach.

I have to admit that hipsters accomplished something I didn't think they could do. They took something as regrettable as the 80's and made it even more regrettable to have ever had lived through or seen "21 Jump Street".

You wear sunglasses because it matches what you're wearing and not to protect your eyes

This one is admittedly harder for me to justify, but I feel correct in my assessment. Here's why: If you are wearing sunglasses indoors and you're not doing sketch for "Candid Camera" you're probably trying to look cool and not protect your eyes. Also if you spend more than four dollars on protective eye wear, you probably have no soul. (To make sure, pour holy water anywhere near your unclean body and chant Ava Maria.)

Indifference

Of course many people are indifferent to any number of things, but what makes a NYC hipster a hipster is total indifference to all things around them. If you think buying a t-shirt that has the phrase "I'm hot" under a picture of the Earth, makes total sense, then your indifference will ruin the planet. If you think money comes from trust-funds and are used to buy new designer blah blahs, then your indifference will probably marry for your money and then leave you with your money, not because your an interesting person to be around, but because you are a vessel for the undead.

You think you're going to make a difference.

Through Hegel's completion of history, all of life's events, good or bad, lead to a great unity. Through that logic the importance of people, as a whole, with mankind's triumphs and tribulations lead to an eventual serenity. Most people don't think about it, because you can't live your day calculating how you're changing the world while trying to care for a family. But if you consciously think about your actions the way a crazy man hastily pulls out his penis in the subway, then your hipster syndrome has reached the apex point.

Thinking your amazing and saying that you are, are two different animals. If you talk about how you're saving the environment by riding your vintage bicycle that you paid the better part of a few week's allowance (generally ranges from $200 to obscene) instead of taking a cab, you probably are in bed with the rest of NYC hipsters. I'm not saying riding your bike is bad, but I could care less about something you care even less about. Try being normal and keep those things to yourself. The difference between confident, secure people and NYC hipsters is that one is real while the other plays a cartoon character that has been replicated through scarves and the misconception of the word "cool".

Jesse Jackson Apologizes and OrganicFunny.com

A few friends of mine have a new site called OrganicFunny.com and they were kind enough to let me contribute an article for their site. They have an array of everything funny so check them out. (Note: The site doesn't link my article anymore, but here is the article as it appeared on the site.)

Jesse Jackson apologizes to the United States for speaking
By Meseret Haddis

After disparaging remarks made against Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama, Reverend Jesse Jackson apologized to the United States for speaking.

"Ever since I was a young boy, I've had this terrible compulsion to speak. For the most part it has been used for the betterment of society, but on occasion, my speaking gets away from me and for that I am sorry."

Jesse Jackson's remarks on the FOX News channel were recorded in an off-air conversation with Reid Tuckson, an Executive Vice President at United Health Group, who was waiting to be interviewed on “FOX & Friends". His remarks were centered around a speech Barack Obama gave on Father's Day, where he scolded black fathers in single parent households. Jesse Jackson is recorded saying, "See, Barack been, talking down to black people on this faith based. . . I wanna cut his nuts off." The clip was later played on Bill O'Reilly’s show The O'Reilly Factor. O’Reilly is also known to have a problem with speaking, when recently an old clip of him from Inside Edition surfaced that featured a tyrannical outburst of frustration and obscenities. Unlike Jesse Jackson, Bill O'Reilly has yet to comment about his actions.

Senator Obama's Campaign spokesman, Bill Burton, clarified the intention of Obama's speech and stated that, “We of course accept Mr. Jackson's apology.” Jesse Jackson's comments have brought back suspicions that he will be more of a liability than an asset to the Democratic nominee’s campaign. When asked about it on Thursday, Mr. Jackson said this, "I would like to put all speculating suspicions to rest about me being a liability to their campaign. Furthermore, I want to express my unequivocal seriousness and dedication to the Obama campaign. I will, from now, until the election, refrain from speaking altogether." This came as a shock to many pundits who saw Jesse Jackson as a proud individual who spoke his mind on issues in a time when no one wanted to listen. This also came as a shock to many in the black community, who often thought of Mr. Jackson as their spokesperson. "Who will speak for us now?" said Theresa Johnson, a 5th grade teacher in Westchester, New York. "When an issue comes up in the community, how will we now express it to the white majority?" In a surprise turn of events, Reverend Al Sharpton also announced that he would abstain from speaking until the election in a show of solidarity with Jesse Jackson. "I have spoken a lot in my day," Al Sharpton said to a group of lost tourists in the Bronx on Friday,"but one must know the time when speaking serves no purpose. If only Martin Luther King Jr. himself would have stopped speaking, we wouldn't be in this awful mess of outspoken dialogue and outright criticism of Judicial America. We must teach our children, that words should be used in only the right circumstances, because speaking may lead to thinking and we have established, that we can not do that." Jesse Jackson, along with Al Sharpton and other leaders of the black community, will hold a march in silent protest against speaking in Washington D.C. later this month.

Pick up artist article published on Boinkology.

Here's the link to the article and here's the article below.

With the increase of sad sacks discovering the internet and the popularity of the reality show “The Pick-Up Artist” (Season 2 coming soon!!), the world of seduction is being tapped like the local harlot for all its wonders and infections. As a nebbishy person myself, the general talk of seduction intrigued me. Not to pursue actively talking to women, obviously, but to observe the true nature of seduction.

I chose to start my observation at a local watering hole, commonly know as a bar or “Glazed Over Sadness.” I, like many my age (20) and sex (male), wasn’t permitted into the bar because of my Y challenged chromosome, but what I saw outside of it was astonishing. It was quite mysterious to me. I found a large number of people entering the bar and a select few of them exiting the bar with someone of the opposite sex and sometimes someone of the same sex gently coaxing them along. What was going on inside the bar? Do women and men acknowledge bars as a place to meet and then leave together? Is there something after leaving said bar that these creatures intend on doing? After many attempts to try to enter the bar and strongly worded, but poorly written cease and desist letter, I gave up in a fit of frustration.

I decided to take my search to a different place: A cafeteria. Partly out of its convenience for a college student and partly because movie theaters are too dark to conduct any kind of activity inside. The cafeteria is a seemingly innocent place to the average person, but the art of seduction knows no bounds. What I witnessed was the greatest show of seduction since the inception of the baby boom. I observed three cafeterias. (From the background information I had gathered, these couples have never met before or were ever a part of the Walter Mondale ‘84 presidential campaign.)

Hospital cafeteria - A man and a woman are sitting at opposite tables when the man flicks his chocolate pudding at her. She becomes enraged and approaches the man. “Why did you do that?” she inquires. The man stands up from his seat and says, “Did you get a hair cut?” The woman, playing coy with the man, rubs her bald head and smiles. “I find bald women extremely alluring, but often dying of cancer,” the man says as he pulls out a cigar. The woman reaches into her pocket and pulls out a match. He inhales the smoke and motions for her to sit down. She joins him without reservation.

Lesson — Men who are mean to women, get them, but only if they subscribe to Maxim magazine.

College cafeteria - A young man approaches a woman sitting at a table alone. She notices him standing next to her at the table. She lunges for him, and they begin to neck like Humphrey Bogart on a 2 day pass.

Lesson — Sometimes words just complicate things.

Nursing home cafeteria - A decrepit older man approaches a women sitting eating her ambrosia. “What is that?” he asks. “Ambrosia,” the woman caws. “You want some?” The man sits next to her and has some of her ambrosia.

Lesson — Ambrosia brings people together.

After my stunning observations in these cafeterias, I began to search for other venues that kindle the fire that is seduction. I have noticed that bus stops are very erotic areas, as are desks and window seats. The best places to meet your future wife or husband are still, of course, your local American Eagle outlet store, gas stations, and moving vehicles.

A failure of capitalism?

(Article I did about the economy for the Dakota Student.)

People are looking at the recent sub-prime mortgage crisis in a very serious light. Some people are on the verge of losing homes, spending their savings and jeopardizing their futures, but why?

Lets look at the American economy. We are a capitalist economy and proud we're of it. But should we be? The definition for capitalism is: an economic system characterized by private or corporate ownership of capital goods, by investments that are determined by private decision, and by prices, production, and the distribution of goods that are determined mainly by competition in a free market.

Capitalism works, but only in an honest system. Capitalism is the embodiment of the liberal ideal (conservatives don't be afraid of the word liberal). It allows Americans to come from nothing and literally make themselves into something. But problems arise. The problem of the sub-prime mortgage crisis came out of unregulated adjustable rate mortgages that didn't give people a safety valve when it bit them in the caboose. Usually that safety valve comes from regulation, but regulation in a capitalist society means less money. The term "less money" is poison to corporation's ears, because it regulates how much money they can take from the citizens.

Conservatives claim that we shouldn't have regulations and that we should have a free market. Health care is a big issue in that it involves how the market should be influenced. Straight from the presumptive nominee's Web site: Promote competition throughout the health care system - between providers and among alternative treatments. This is the sentiment in the Republican camp. Just let the market decide.

Yes they said "The Market". The market that showed Bear Stearns at $2 a share, which not three months ago (as of January of 2007) was at $172 a share. You think that is a market you can predict, let alone trust?

Now you may think "Mr. Writer/liberal yahoo, if you're so smart why don't tell us how to fix it." Now if I was pretentious I would tell you an convoluted answer that doesn't make sense. Truth is I don't know the answer and for someone like me, that is OK to say. But people who know more about this thing than I do, like economists (definition: professional numbers people) are predicting a possible "Great Depression".

These are people who have spent their lives looking at the rises and drops of the NYSE (the thought is which is, quite frankly, absolutely appalling). For someone who has already reconciled in the fact that he will have no money when he is old (because the greatest generation decided to get freaky with their stipends in Bora Bora) I am really worried.

I'm worried because it's a scary time right now. People are saying that this is just a confidence thing. That "If people were more confident in the economy they would go out and spend money," but it's more than that. President Bush says the economy is going through a tough time, because he can't tell the American people "I have no idea what's going to happen." This is much larger than a confidence issue with the market. People don't want to spend money, because gas prices are going up, housing prices are dropping and the market is the equivalent to a bizarro world. They can't spend money in the market because they don't understand it.

This happens in a capitalist economy. The sky is the limit when it comes to expansion and profit, but the opposite is also true. I can't say that there is one thing we have to do to fix the problem, but I do know that it is a bigger issue than just the sub-prime mortgage crisis. We have to reevaluate American ideals or suffer the possible consequences of another depression.

Link to article.

The non-useful purpose of Black History Month

(Article I did about Black History Month for the Dakota Student.)

February brings us Black History Month. Since it's inception in 1926 (when it was originally called Negro History Week) it has strived to spread awareness about African American history. But as time passes is Black History Month still serving it's purpose?

The idea behind Black History month was to raise awareness about black history in a time when it was hardly being discussed. This not only served to spread racial awareness of past prejudices, but also to inform the public of black history that wasn't being told.

The founder of Negro History Week, Carter G. Woodson, said that he looked forward to the time when it would not be necessary to set aside a "week" to call attention to the contributions of Negroes to the life of this country.

He fervently hoped that soon, the history of African Americans would become an integral part of American history and would be observed throughout the year. Later in his years he expressed the hope that Negro History Week would outlive it's usefulness.

So the question is, have we outlived its usefulness? If the effort of BHM is to create awareness of black history, and if we have done that, is there any reason to keep "celebrating" this holiday? And if there hasn't been a change in awareness, is there something else we could be doing that might raise overall awareness more effectively?

To me the whole month is superficial. What happens after February? Are we still allowed to celebrate black history, even though the U.S. Government didn't designate it? The effort shouldn't be focused on one month, because black history isn't just one month.

It seems that there is an unspoken agreement that our country can simply acknowledge a group of people for a month and forget about them for the rest of the year. This way, policy makers can simultaneously ease their guilty conscience over their lack of action to address the severe racial inequalities that still exist in our country, AND feel morally outraged (not to mention justified) when denying minorities who petition for redress the rights they are entitled to.

When we acknowledge someone of a different race by "celebrating" their heritage in some forced government ritual, we're actually celebrating the history of a minority, because they're a minority group. Instead, we should be celebrating their history because we're proud of that history and the diversity the group brings to the American experiment.

And this isn't only concerning BHM. Women, Jews, Hispanics, Asian, gay, elderly, and differently abled people all have a month.

What about American Indian Heritage Month? I bet you don't know which month that is. Some of them even have the same month! How will we ever decide which heritage to celebrate on a given day if they both use the same month?

Here is a crazy idea. Maybe we could get away from celebrating things on certain months and celebrate them year round? So instead of reading about George Washington Carver in February (because your teacher wants to pound some awareness in your head), why don't we read about him in March? Or maybe we could study Martin Luther King Jr. when it's not his birthday or in February.

As Americans we have to get away from the division of race and accept that we are all AMERICANS. Black History Month should be celebrated year round, because black history is AMERICAN history. And no you shouldn't feel bad for forgetting about BHM, because black history doesn't disappear on February 28 (29th if leap year), never mind what Al Sharpton might say, it's still around trust me. If we begin focusing on people because of their merits, we will know when we have a country that has true racial awareness. Then we won't need Black History Month anymore, because, in recognizing the beautiful diversity of our country, we'll finally have an American History year.

Link to article.

The Writers Guild of America takes strike into week two

(Article I did about the strike for the Dakota Student.)

It's the second week of the writers strike. Booooo. Hiss. For those of you who are reading about the strike for the first time (the newspaper has other things besides comic strips), the WGA has been on strike as of last week Monday, when studio heads refused to agree on negotiations to compensate writers for there work. The two main issues of the strike is, for writers to have residuals on DVD sales increase from 4 cents of every $19.99, to 8 cents. The second is the big one. The writers are looking to be compensated for the content being shown on new media (i.e. internet), in which they are receiving none at the moment.

Now that you are caught up, here is the update. The negotiations are still deadlocked as the studio execs are holding firm on their position. One of the major events happening from the rush of shows being shut down is layoffs. NBC has laid off 102 employees that work on the show "The Office". Many of those employees are not writers, but your average personal on a show (i.e. grips, lighting, etc.). Even with looming layoffs, many of these personnel are in support of the WGA's cause. These are one of the things networks are doing, in order to hurt the WGA's support. Layoffs such as these bring a lot of suspicion to the networks. Some argue that networks have been waiting for the strike, because it would give them an opportunity to layoff staff and cut personnel.

The networks clearly aren't going to play fair here. They've shown that they have no sympathy for the writers, which intern has spawned a barrage of attacks from the writers, in video form, that are being posted on the internet. "The Office" showrunner Greg Daniels, in "The Office" video said, "I encourage the company to send the lawyers in to write our episodes, because the lawyers are very creative...terming a full length airing of an episode, with paid for commercials online, a promo, it's really a good example of creativity and imagination."

In a video that "The Daily Show" writers posted in support of the strike, they point out their parent company (Viacom) and their lawsuit they have brought against Youtube, in which Viacom will sue Youtube for a billion dollars for putting their content on Youtube (which is free). The writers also point out the obvious gap in logic in the argument, when relating it to the writer's strike. "It's quite simple. When you're not paying him (Summer Redstone - CEO of Viacom), you owe him a billion dollars. When he's not paying you (i.e. the writers)...he's not paying you.", Jason Ross explains in a similar sarcastic Jon Stewart style.

The Simpson's writers, in their video, point out the similarity of Mr. Burns and Rupert Murdoch (CEO of NewsCorp which owns FOX). In which I completely see. "The Simpson's writers payed for Throne of Bones, the Mountain of Skulls that he sits on and the Lake of Blood that he bathes in." said the writers. Daniel Chun added, "In case anyone doesn't really know who's side their on. Here's a hint, the giant media empires are not the good guys. The multi-national media conglomerates are not the good guys."

It's very simple to take this as just something happening over there on the coasts, but this is something that must be called into attention. Many reasons why the coverage of the strike has been, for a lack of better words, flaccid, is quite obvious. Many of the news outlets are owned by the same companies of the studio's. It's as simple as Rupert Murdoch, telling FOX News not to report bad things about a president, because he likes him. The media won't cover something that is hurting the company that gives them money, even if it means looking the other way (which they have never done before) when faced with the strike. It's high time for the fans, and the people who will truly be affected by this strike (yes YOU), to stand up to these greedy networks and call foul. It's hard to bring people in support of the cause, because many of the shows are still running new episodes, but in due time, those episodes will run out. Then what will you watch? Survivor? American Idol? COPS re-runs? Not this guy.

To learn more and follow current developments visit http://unitedhollywood.com/.

Link to article.

WGA goes on strike for more compensation

(Article I did about the strike for the Dakota Student.)

Much of the entertainment world is on hiatus as contracts are being negotiated.

If you're like most of America, a WGA strike isn't really news worthy or a cause for much concern to you. As someone who watches television and movies, I am keeping up with as much news about the strike as possible and if it continues it will be something that will cause concern for you.

For those unaware of what's been happening in the entertainment world for the past week, the Writers Guild of America has been on strike as of Monday this week after their contracts expired on October 31 (last Wednesday). What the WGA has asked for in their new contracts (which are still being negotiated at the moment) is to be compensated for DVD and new media entertainment. They have asked for their DVD residuals to be doubled from four cents of every $19.99 made on every DVD to eight cents and to be paid for the new media (which they are currently receiving zero percent, out of the estimated 4.6 billion to be made over the next three years). At this point in time, the WGA has given up the DVD negotiations, but are holding fast on the new media, because that is the future. It's a growing trend, now that some shows are being broadcasted online. The writers of those shows, who are not getting any money from the new media, are asking to be compensated for their work that is now being put out on the internet for free. Take a show like "The Office", for example, you can watch the show online with limited advertising, which is collecting revenue, but not being shared with the writers. The WGA is only asking for a small percentage of the new media, which being sustained by them.

What does this mean to you? For the most part nothing. That is if you don't enjoy watching scripted shows, soaps, or late night television. As of the moment the late night talk shows are in reruns. Late Show host David Letterman is supporting the WGA and has publicly ostracized producers, by calling them "cowards, cutthroats and weasels", for what they are doing, but many late night shows might be forced to make it's way back on the air. It would be interesting to see the late night show's format if they come back when the writers are still on strike.

At the moment most scripted shows like, Grey's Anatomy, Heroes, 30 Rock, etc. have enough episodes in the can (already completed) to last until about the year's end. But a growing trend on these shows, since the strike was announced, is that production has stopped completely. Many show-runners on the shows have shut down in support for the writers. Actors are still allowed to film at this time, but with the writers picketing their own shows, many actors and show-runners have refused to cross picket lines to go to work.

What will be interesting to see is the looming end of the contracts of the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) and the Directors Guild of America (DGA) (which expire July of 2008). If at that point, the WGA strike was still going on and an agreement couldn't be met, we would have an industry wide strike that would halt everything.

Still don't get it? Judd Apatow, with an interview with IGN, gave this explanation to people who don't understand the reason for the strike. "Here's how I would explain it: If you're a teamster, you get paid to drive a truck. But if someone invents a new kind of truck, and you're still driving it, you should still get paid. We're switching trucks at this point. But if someone comes up with a three wheel truck, you're still driving!"

I hope the WGA's demands are met as swiftly as possible. Although you won't be able to picket the lines with your favorite shows because of our location, you can show your support by sending emails to the networks and network heads to get negotiations done as quickly as possible.

At this point some people are being laid off while the shows are shut down and more will be laid off if the negotiations persist.

This is truly hard for writers to strike financially, because unlike studio heads, many haven't been saving boats full of money for an event like this, but it is important enough for writers to strike now to insure that future writers will be protected. Just like the WGA did in 1988 (the last writers strike which lasted 6 months and spawned reality TV) when they made a stand for writers to be paid residuals on TV shows.

The WGA, are not trying to be selfish now, but looking to the future of writers and entertainment. To understand the strike and to follow current developments visit http://unitedhollywood.com/. Hopefully by the time you see this article the strike would be over, but anything can change.

Link to article.