Bob Fossil (From the Mighty Boosh) Talks to a Baby

Oh, look it's a baby. Hey baby. You’re in a stroller aren’t you baby? Do you like that stroller baby? That carriage made out of flower petals and cheap, harmful plastic? Yeah I bet you like that stroller, baby. You're such a baby. (laughs) I was a baby once, baby. Yeah back when Carter was president and lama skins were illegal. My mom even called me baby, because she didn’t know how to say my name. She would just give my bottle and call me baby, then she would leave with her bottle and get called baby by some mustached Ted Danson look a like. What's your name, baby? I bet its Nathaniel. Hey look everybody this baby's name is Nathaniel. (laughs) I'm just messing, baby. You look like a Jim Brown or a BJ Mankowitz. Maybe I’ll ask your mom when she gets back from the toaster store. She seems like a nice lady. I mean don’t get me wrong I’d stick it in her, but real classy like.

(silence)

Hey, baby. Have you heard the one about the tarantula and the leopard? No? Oh. I read it in a joke book by this guy named R.T. Scott. He’s like some kind of journalist who rescued animals from weirdo-pervert circus people. Then after a tortoise blinded him, he wrote down all these jokes he learned from the horny circus people. It’s really funny. One time I read it on a train and I laughed so hard I puked on a Japanese businessman’s shoes. He was pissed.

(silence)

You sure don’t talk much little guy. Are you even a guy? (checks) Yeah, you're definitely a man, baby. You’ve got some cock on you, baby. It's like a stuffed turkey neck. (laughs) I’ve never seen one so big. Hey baby have you ever thought of doing pornos? You know wank rags, erotic kaleidoscopes, that kind of stuff? It would be awesome. The woman would come in and see your soft white baby body and then she'd see your big black cock and be like "I want to ride that Dalmatian station." (laughs) We could make a lot of money, baby. I’d be your like manager slash personal caterer and we’d tour the upper northwest. We could make some real dough. I promise no one will exploit your freaky cock, baby. Scouts honor.

(silence)

Oh, here comes your mommy. I guess I’ll be going, baby. I’m not so good with goodbyes. So, umm, you stink, baby. (sniffs) Oh wait that’s me. I forgot I wrestled a fishmonger this morning for a Kit Kat. Well if you ever want to see some animals come to my zoo, Bob Fossil’s Fun World. It’s the only place in town where babies and scorpions can gamble on zombie pictures.