TIME TRUMPET: 2010 Edition (Part Two)

(This is a one off written adaptation of the British TV series "Time Trumpet". I'm fully aware that there is an American version being made. I look forward to seeing it. This was made in part for my appreciation for the show and as a cool writing exercise. This is part two of a two part series. Read part one here. -Mez)

 

CELEBRITIES

In 2010 the “Keep a Child Alive” fund created an event that would have celebrities commit “social networking suicide” by no longer using any social networking services in solidarity of those who died of AIDS in Africa and India. Singer Alicia Keys, the charity’s co-founder, hoped it would draw attention to the senseless deaths of children to AIDS in Africa and India.

Their goal was to raise a $1,000,000 at which point the celebrities would resume social networking as if resurrected.

Alicia Keys at 74: I thought people’s need to hear, read, or see what their favorite celebrities were thinking and doing was so important that people would donate money to hear them.

The problem was that people were already paying to read and see what their favorite celebrities were up to, by buying gossip magazines and seeing entertainment news on TV and the Internet. The stunt was only supposed to last a month, but by the time the month ended, they had only raised $35.

Popular gossip sites like TMZ and Perez Hilton did much of the heavy lifting while celebrities were socially dead. Their methods, already invasive and revealing, became more so to sustain the demand people had. Contractually obligated not to return to Facebook or Twitter until $1,000,000 was raised, celebrities grew furious with the charity as their careers slowly died.

The Keep a Child Alive fund had to do something drastic to raise money and began to put the celebrities in comas.

Jackie Clarke (Comedian): “Save a life, by saving a life.” was their motto. But at that point no one really cared enough about Jennifer Hudson to awake her from a coma.

As of today, The Keep a Child Alive fund has only raised $2,000. 

NEWS

News networks began to blend the line between journalism and entertainment in the year 2010. The market for news reporting became under saturated, as most Americans stopped paying attention to current events, unless they involved celebrities.

In order for networks to keep ratings high, as well as advertiser’s money, they decided to compete for the day’s news.

Rob Huebel (Comedian): I don’t remember a lot about the news during that time, but I do remember the fights. NEWS FIGHT!

Spike TV, a network dedicated to the revitalization of the under appreciated American male, began setting aside air time, normally occupied for shows about cars running into places of business. They called it, News Fight.

Television news host Sean Hannity was one of the shows most voracious contenders.

Sean Hannity at 60: Oh, yeah. I loved News Fight. It’s like I never really felt at home reporting the news, until I was able to beat Wolf Blitzer half to death to tell it.

News Fight pitted news networks against each other to vie for the telling of the day’s stories. Run much like Ultimate Fighting, there consisted of a number of brackets. Instead of weight, it was age. Men and women fought in separate leagues, but it almost always came down to FOX News vs. everyone else.

Dana Gould (Comedian): FOX News really kind of dominated the league and reported on nearly every news story that they fought for. They really were passionate about wanting to tell the news. And their K.O. count proved it.

With a victory and the news story, the winning journalist would be able to report the news as they saw fit. Throwing away nearly all journalistic training, competing news networks began hiring journalists with heavy hand to hand combat experience.

Paul Scheer (Comedian): For someone who doesn’t really care about the world, I didn’t really care about who won. But what I did care about was the host.

Host: Howie Mandel?

Paul Scheer (Comedian): The one and only. So funny.

Howie Mandel hosted News Fight for 3 seasons before being replaced by a touch screen TV. 

TERRORISM

Out of the entire year’s events, the one that most remember is the night when President Obama announced the death of terrorism.

President Obama ordered an elite military unit to act on intelligence gathered by the CIA to assassinate the idea of terrorism, which had been hiding in a very public place in northern Afghanistan.

Jon Daly (Comedian):  I don’t really remember the announcement, but I do remember getting so shitfaced that I murdered a human being in cold blood. I just fucking strangled him, I was so jazzed by the news. And they let me go. That's America, man!

Host: OK, settle down.

Jon Daly (Comedian): Ahhh shit I've got that blood lust again! Come here motherfucker!

Host: Hey stop--

The nation could finally rest easy.

IN CONCLUSION

 As 2010 continues to live in the hearts of many, we can all be comforted that we don't have to live in a time where every man (young and old) was forced to wear Flavor Flav's gold teeth for at least 2 minutes. The year represented a critical point in what we now call "The Critical Points" and is still being studied and forgotten.

We would like to leave you with some more highlights of the year 2010:

-Time Magazine named “2010” the Person of the Year.

-Actor Will Smith released 0 movies during 2010, but instead released a lion in a public restroom.

-Among girls, ages 15-18, pregnancies dropped %45 due to the fact that boys, ages 15-18, began getting pregnant.

-Singer-Songwriter Bobby Brown died unceremoniously.

-Gay marriage was ratified in 14 states under the condition that they have to use a separate drinking fountain.

-The ghost of Grover Norquist scared people when he appeared before a still alive Grover Norquist during a speech.

-Former Victoria Secret model Tyra Banks attempted to activate the National Guard when someone tried to project a film on her massive sense of self importance.

-The U.S. economy bubbled for a brief period in time when the government got their deposit back for the Louisiana Purchase.

-The Nobel Committee gave King Tut “Only Egyptian Name People Still Recognize” award.

-Baseball team and corporate conglomerate the New York Yankees went on a streak to win the World Series and the Stanley Cup.

-The television show “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” was canceled due to its cancellation in 2006.

***Special thanks to Armando Iannucci, Roger Drew and Will Smith (the writer).