TIME TRUMPET: 2010 Edition (Part Two)

(This is a one off written adaptation of the British TV series "Time Trumpet". I'm fully aware that there is an American version being made. I look forward to seeing it. This was made in part for my appreciation for the show and as a cool writing exercise. This is part two of a two part series. Read part one here. -Mez)

 

CELEBRITIES

In 2010 the “Keep a Child Alive” fund created an event that would have celebrities commit “social networking suicide” by no longer using any social networking services in solidarity of those who died of AIDS in Africa and India. Singer Alicia Keys, the charity’s co-founder, hoped it would draw attention to the senseless deaths of children to AIDS in Africa and India.

Their goal was to raise a $1,000,000 at which point the celebrities would resume social networking as if resurrected.

Alicia Keys at 74: I thought people’s need to hear, read, or see what their favorite celebrities were thinking and doing was so important that people would donate money to hear them.

The problem was that people were already paying to read and see what their favorite celebrities were up to, by buying gossip magazines and seeing entertainment news on TV and the Internet. The stunt was only supposed to last a month, but by the time the month ended, they had only raised $35.

Popular gossip sites like TMZ and Perez Hilton did much of the heavy lifting while celebrities were socially dead. Their methods, already invasive and revealing, became more so to sustain the demand people had. Contractually obligated not to return to Facebook or Twitter until $1,000,000 was raised, celebrities grew furious with the charity as their careers slowly died.

The Keep a Child Alive fund had to do something drastic to raise money and began to put the celebrities in comas.

Jackie Clarke (Comedian): “Save a life, by saving a life.” was their motto. But at that point no one really cared enough about Jennifer Hudson to awake her from a coma.

As of today, The Keep a Child Alive fund has only raised $2,000. 

NEWS

News networks began to blend the line between journalism and entertainment in the year 2010. The market for news reporting became under saturated, as most Americans stopped paying attention to current events, unless they involved celebrities.

In order for networks to keep ratings high, as well as advertiser’s money, they decided to compete for the day’s news.

Rob Huebel (Comedian): I don’t remember a lot about the news during that time, but I do remember the fights. NEWS FIGHT!

Spike TV, a network dedicated to the revitalization of the under appreciated American male, began setting aside air time, normally occupied for shows about cars running into places of business. They called it, News Fight.

Television news host Sean Hannity was one of the shows most voracious contenders.

Sean Hannity at 60: Oh, yeah. I loved News Fight. It’s like I never really felt at home reporting the news, until I was able to beat Wolf Blitzer half to death to tell it.

News Fight pitted news networks against each other to vie for the telling of the day’s stories. Run much like Ultimate Fighting, there consisted of a number of brackets. Instead of weight, it was age. Men and women fought in separate leagues, but it almost always came down to FOX News vs. everyone else.

Dana Gould (Comedian): FOX News really kind of dominated the league and reported on nearly every news story that they fought for. They really were passionate about wanting to tell the news. And their K.O. count proved it.

With a victory and the news story, the winning journalist would be able to report the news as they saw fit. Throwing away nearly all journalistic training, competing news networks began hiring journalists with heavy hand to hand combat experience.

Paul Scheer (Comedian): For someone who doesn’t really care about the world, I didn’t really care about who won. But what I did care about was the host.

Host: Howie Mandel?

Paul Scheer (Comedian): The one and only. So funny.

Howie Mandel hosted News Fight for 3 seasons before being replaced by a touch screen TV. 

TERRORISM

Out of the entire year’s events, the one that most remember is the night when President Obama announced the death of terrorism.

President Obama ordered an elite military unit to act on intelligence gathered by the CIA to assassinate the idea of terrorism, which had been hiding in a very public place in northern Afghanistan.

Jon Daly (Comedian):  I don’t really remember the announcement, but I do remember getting so shitfaced that I murdered a human being in cold blood. I just fucking strangled him, I was so jazzed by the news. And they let me go. That's America, man!

Host: OK, settle down.

Jon Daly (Comedian): Ahhh shit I've got that blood lust again! Come here motherfucker!

Host: Hey stop--

The nation could finally rest easy.

IN CONCLUSION

 As 2010 continues to live in the hearts of many, we can all be comforted that we don't have to live in a time where every man (young and old) was forced to wear Flavor Flav's gold teeth for at least 2 minutes. The year represented a critical point in what we now call "The Critical Points" and is still being studied and forgotten.

We would like to leave you with some more highlights of the year 2010:

-Time Magazine named “2010” the Person of the Year.

-Actor Will Smith released 0 movies during 2010, but instead released a lion in a public restroom.

-Among girls, ages 15-18, pregnancies dropped %45 due to the fact that boys, ages 15-18, began getting pregnant.

-Singer-Songwriter Bobby Brown died unceremoniously.

-Gay marriage was ratified in 14 states under the condition that they have to use a separate drinking fountain.

-The ghost of Grover Norquist scared people when he appeared before a still alive Grover Norquist during a speech.

-Former Victoria Secret model Tyra Banks attempted to activate the National Guard when someone tried to project a film on her massive sense of self importance.

-The U.S. economy bubbled for a brief period in time when the government got their deposit back for the Louisiana Purchase.

-The Nobel Committee gave King Tut “Only Egyptian Name People Still Recognize” award.

-Baseball team and corporate conglomerate the New York Yankees went on a streak to win the World Series and the Stanley Cup.

-The television show “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” was canceled due to its cancellation in 2006.

***Special thanks to Armando Iannucci, Roger Drew and Will Smith (the writer).

TIME TRUMPET: 2010 Edition (Part One)

(This is a one off written adaptation of the British TV series "Time Trumpet". I'm fully aware that there is an American version being made. I look forward to seeing it. This was made in part for my appreciation for the show and as a cool writing exercise. This is part one of a two part series. -Mez)

We are now in the year 2049. Today, people sing their way to work with musical cars and we finally figured out where the beef went.

Joining me in examining the year 2010 are those who lived during that time and comedians of today. Together we hope to understand the year that was 2010.

RACISM

2010 was a year of great advancement in science, arts and thought, while also being a year of great transgressions.   

Racism as we know it today has been eradicated and is now remembered at the former site of Graceland in Memphis, Tennessee. Relics of America’s racist past are kept there to remind people what the country once looked like.

But in the year 2010, racism was boiling to a point. The line between racism and bigotry were being blurred.

Rush Limbaugh was an outspoken critic of then President Barack Obama’s presidency; even though the president did things Rush had agreed with. His blatant hypocrisy was later revealed to be a misstep that led to a story breaking about him being a paid actor named Lester Corntrow.

Lester Corntrow at 75: They paid me lots of money to just say these things. I was desperate for money at the time and they really wanted someone for the long haul, but after I was exposed I had to stop.

Rush Limbaugh was exposed by the leading journalist of the time, Katie Couric.

Dana Gould (Comedian): Katie Couric was the perfect package. Attractive and with a brain. She was smart, but not too smart that people would be able to mistake her for a journalist.

Katie Couric’s nightly news show pulled in record ratings as the country tuned in to see her latest exposés.

Katie Couric’s breaking of the story that country singer sensation Taylor Swift was dating rapper Soulja Boy would prove a divisive issue for the country.

Paul Scheer (Comedian): It’s that classic American story. America falls in love with sweet country singer. Katie Couric then exposes her dating a rapper. America, out of nowhere, falls out of love with her.

Album sales dropped for the singer as she desperately tried to prove to the country that she was still their little girl they loved. But the country, although without admission, wasn’t ready for their sweet girl to date someone from a different race. Soulja Boy on the other hand used the animosity to produce the now infamous Crank That (Soulja Boy) video that began to hypnotize the country.

Aziz Ansari (Comedian): Everyone thought it was just a harmless music video. But then people started to get sick.

Actor Jon Hamm was one of those people that contracted the sickness.

Jon Hamm at 76: I remember seeing that video and before I knew it I was jockin on them. And I never jocked before. It was like I was possessed and I couldn’t stop dancing.

Host: Do you mind talking about that experience?

Jon Hamm at 76 (looking down): Only if you want me to relive the darkest period in my life.

The Center for Disease Control deemed the video a health risk and the White House followed suit declaring Soulja Boy a national security threat. 3 days later Soulja Boy was killed in a stand off against federal agents.

Taylor Swift was distraught.

Jackie Clarke (Comedian): That was the same year she was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame. And that was after she started dating People Magazine’s Whitest Guy in America, John Krasinski. 

OBAMA

In 2008 President Barack Obama was elected as the fist African American president amidst rumors that he wasn’t born in this country. A year later, as a publicity stunt to help smooth relations between the DMV and American citizens, President Obama’s secret would be revealed. After waiting 2 hours in line, only to learn that the DMV was now closed and unable to renew his license, President Obama proved the rumors true when he frustratingly began speaking Dutch.

Although President Obama’s Dutch birthplace provided a number of outraged commenter’s, his most divisive issue was his race.

Paul Scheer (Comedian): They would make jokes that Bill Clinton was blacker than him. (Starts to laugh hard.)

Host: Why would they say that? 

Paul Scheer (Comedian): I’m not entirely sure…

Joe Biden, best known as the only living Vice President who could rebuild a '54 Chevy from scratch, spoke to the American people's insecurities about Obama's race.

Joe Biden at 81: The problem was that it was hard for people to place their black ideals into Obama, who acted very white. And I tried to help the kid, but nothing worked.

President Obama seemed to try to hard when proving that he was half black. Not surprisingly Katie Couric began to dig and what she found was shocking in most kinds of ways.

Joe Biden at 81: He told me when he asked me to be his vice president that he wasn’t really half black. That his black half was actually white, pretending to be black.

Sarah Palin, a leading intellectual mind among people who believed books actually don't contain any words in them, never doubted for a moment that something was wrong with how Obama looked.

Sarah Palin 78: Ya know it just goes to show you, that hiding the truth from Americans never works. I always tell the truth to the American people. Just like Betsy Ross. When Ben Franklin asked her to make an American flag, she told him she could do it. She could have lied to Benjamin Franklin, but she didn’t.

President Obama was ashamed of hiding this secret from the American people. He offered his resignation of his presidency, but the paper work proved to costly and time consuming. He would go on to serve the rest of his term instead.  

(Continued in Part Two)